DEAR MEXICAN: Mexico is truly an amazing, beautiful country! Huge oil reserves, mineral deposits second to none, tourist potential unparalleled! God gave Mexico every possible advantage. And yet the Mexicans, in all their wisdom and intellect, have turned it into a backwater, undeveloped narco-ruled Third World cesspool of corruption and poverty. How were you able to achieve such an accomplishment? Are you and other Mexicans just that stupid? I mean, really! How could you take such potential and turn it into a steaming pile of dung? Mexico should have a GDP rivaling any civilized country, but it remains a shithole on a level rarely seen outside impoverished Africa. It seems to me that, like locusts, you ruined your own country and are now moving onto our fertile ground with nothing more to offer than knocked-up teenagers, gangbangers, illiterate generations, drug warfare, killings and kidnappings, with a generous dose of arrogance. First, how can a people totally piss away such potential? Second: With that track record, why should Americans expect you to achieve anything greater here in the States?
Someone Who Sees You for What You Are—Failures!
DEAR GABACHO: Gracias for your amazing insights. You’re a funny guy, and by “funny,” I mean “drunk out of your cabeza.” Mexico, a Third World country? I established last year that Mexico is firmly in the bottom rung of the First World, thank you very mucho. Mexico, not possessing a high GDP? Ranked 14th last year, behind Australia but ahead of South Korea—and that’s not including our narco profits. Mexico, undeveloped? You obviously think Mexican skyscrapers are limited to saguaro cacti and Aztec pyramids. Mexicans, piss away such potential? Sure, we can always improve, but I think Americans are hardly in a place to criticize, given our self-made Great Recession. Mexicans, locusts? We’re cockroaches, silly! And finally: Mexicans, achieve anything greater in el Norte? Already doing that—and if you don’t believe me, talk to all those undocumented college students who graduate every year from college, pinche puto pendejo baboso.
DEAR MEXICAN: It seems like the Reconquista is simply the 21st-century version of Mexico’s Manifest Destiny, complete with the 21st century’s version of the white man’s burden. Aren’t those who support the Reconquista just saying it’s Mexico’s Manifest Destiny to reconquer America?
Neither a Xenophobe nor Hegemonist Be
DEAR GABACHO: The key difference is the United States never previously possessed the lands it took forcibly, from Plymouth Rock to Tacoma, while Mexicans at least at one point occupied the American Southwest. We have a justifiable excuse for taking back what was ours; y’all were just unashamed thieves in stealing from the Indians and nosotros. But gracias for asking!
DEAR MEXICAN: I’ve been living in California my entire life. I’m the grandson of East European immigrants, and quite frankly, there is no proof my family came here legally. Furthermore, all evidence points to the contrary. It was before World War II, and my family has no documentation of entry whatsoever. Half of my friends are Latino; my ex-wife is Mexican. Hell, my scoutmaster was a third-generation Mexican-American cop, and it doesn’t get much more patriotic than the freaking Boy Scouts. I know the awesome family that owns my local taquería better than I know my own, and I don’t even call it “Mexican” food anymore. I call it “Wednesday.”
Point being? I am a pale-assed, white (and possibly illegal) resident, and I’m sick to death of the hypocrisy, racism and vitriol directed at my Mexican friends and family. So sick, in fact, that if Congress repeals the anchor-baby amendment, I will voluntarily hand over my own citizenship. What the hell does “citizenship” even mean anymore if we’re going to taint it like this? We should all be ashamed.
Thanks for Letting Me Vent
DEAR GABACHO: Gracias for reminding my readers that today’s gabachos were yesterday’s illegals and that not all of today’s gabachos hate Mexicans—just a chingo of them.