Indianapolis update: Indiana is, of course, the “Hoosier State.” What’s a Hoosier? No one seems to know. Oh, the answer is probably out there, it’s just that who wants to take the time to find out something about Indiana. It’s an odd state. Though it lays claim to being a bastion of rock-ribbed Midwestern values, those values apparently include a real affection for meth. The state regularly ranks near the top nationally for meth labs—one was discovered in a Wal-Mart bathroom. So perhaps Hoosier stands for “Hoosier dealer?” or “Hoosier got to blow around here to get some sweet, sweet meth?” The state is also home to the 12th largest concentration of Nickelback fans, so it’s not surprising that according to a condom industry survey, the state’s male population has the ninth smallest average penis size in the country. Speaking of small dicks: Mike Pence.
Washington, D.C., update: It’s not surprising that Washington, D.C., where the NFL franchise has the most disgusting, despicable name this side of “Celtics,” is home to some of the most disgusting, despicable names such as “presidential adviser,” “presidential adviser now under investigation,” “presidential adviser makes deal with prosecutors” and “Supreme Court nominee.” The latter is a brown-nosed beauty named Brett Kavanaugh who resembles the kind of guy who showed up to high school each day in a tie and would inform the teacher he forgot to assign homework, then lie when asked if he did that. So, naturally, Kavanaugh was selected by Donald Trump to sit on the nation’s highest court. Kavanaugh has the kind of spineless, amoral qualities Trump values so much in a Supreme Court nominee, Speaker of the House and son.
Upon further review: Mike Pence, the former Indiana governor and current best argument against impeaching Trump, is suspected of being the author of an anonymous op-ed in The New York Times claiming there is a resistance movement in the White House. Pence is suspected because the word “lodestar” appears in the piece. Lodestar is a favorite phrase of Pence’s—along with “Ewww! Gay’s is icky!”—and refers to someone or something that guides or inspires, though, lodestar, actually Lode Star, would be a terrific porn name. (Though not for Pence, you know, since he’s got that twee Indiana ween.)
Root for: Washington . . . and, if you’re a fella, all of your current girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s exes were from Indiana.