Five People Who Plan to Buy the New Limp Bizkit Record

Limp Bizkit announced that their first record in eight years, Gold Cobra, will be released on June 28 (coinciding with a tour of Europe, where they inexplicably maintain a fan base).

Here in the US, it's a different story, with Fred Durst and company derided for the last decade as everything from “honky metal” and “trailer core” to “amplified defecation.”

Whatever abusive label has been applied to Limp Bizkit, one thing is certain–records like Three Dollar Bill, Y'all$ and Significant Other
are regarded by millions of 20something men as the most embarrassing selections in their dusty collection of Clinton-era CDs.

We decided to locate the band's remaining stateside fans and find out why they plan to buy Gold Cobra. Of those not currently incarcerated for methamphetamine distribution, indecent exposure, or vehicular homicide, five reluctantly agreed to speak with us.

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5. Guy Medeiros


Age: 34
Location: San Dimas, CA.

Occupation: Unemployed pipe fitter

Why he's buying Gold Cobra: “Fred Durst speaks to me. Not lyrically, I mean, but literally. We've been AOL pen pals since 1996. I sent him a fan email back then and our friendship grew when he found out I also collected Beanie Babies. He's been bugging me for six months now, sending me texts: `Pleez buy my nu shit, iz gun be dope!'

“I finally called Fred last week and told him I'm out of work and can't afford it, and he said, 'No prob bro, I'll send you a money order for 25 bucks, and after you cash it, you'll have enough for my CD, a box of Krispy Kremes, and some baby formula for little Jackie.'”

“I told Fred that if he does that he will basically be buying his own records, and he said, `It's cool G-man, that's what we did the last time around!'”

4. Karen Boyle
Age: 52
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Occupation: Retired music teacher

Why she's buying Gold Cobra: “I was [Limp Bizkit guitarist] Wes Borland's music teacher in 1989 and I always thought he could barely string together a coherent guitar melody. I buy all of his records to see if he's improved at all in the last 22 years and can proudly say I was correct when I predicted that he'd never learn how to play beyond the noodle-noodle and chugga-chugga stage.”

3. Steven Johnson

Age: 19
Location: Des Moines, IA
Occupation: College student

Why he's buying Gold Cobra: “It was my brother Chad's dying wish that we buy every Limp Bizkit record that is ever released and place it on his grave. My brother died in 1998 when he was 16. He died of a rare brain disorder and for most of his life had the mental age of a 2 year-old.

It's kind of fucked up that I have to do this, because I barely remember Chad. He was always hooked up to a breathing machine, watching MTV, or having seizures. I just hope there are no hot chicks in the cemetery visiting their grandpa's graves when I go there next month. I don't want to be seen carrying a Limp Bizkit CD.”

2. Kathy Durst

Age: 46
Location: Albany, NY
Occupation: Hotel Manager

Why she's buying Gold Cobra: “Fred Durst is my second cousin and I buy Limp Bizkit records out of a sense of, um, what do you call it? Familial obligation.”
Do other Durst relatives load up on Limp Bizkit records as well?: “No, I'm the only one. It's kind of like the time I took in my sex offender uncle after he got out of jail. Someone had to do it and no one else was stepping up due to shame and disgust. Me, I'm not judgmental. Maybe I should be, but I'm not. Fred is family.”
Do you actually like his music?: “Are you kidding?”

1. Breckin Moore
Age: 29
Location: Brooklyn, NY

Occupation: Bike messenger and music reviewer
Why he's buying Gold Cobra: “I write freelance reviews for music blogs and I got assigned to review it by Jacque, the editor of Stereo Prick. The blog is short on cash this month so Jacque asked if I could front for the record myself. When Jacque has more cash next month he's going to reimburse me and get me free passes to Lollapalooza, so I really shouldn't feel bad about buying a Limp Bizkit record.”
But do you feel bad? “Hell yeah, bad doesn't begin to describe it. I'm actually paranoid that someone at I-Tunes or my credit card company will see that I downloaded it and start making fun of me online.”