Wars have been fought over it. Prominent people have been assassinated because of it. The United States is currently engaged in a massive, fraudulent effort to improve its lot in it.
Oil? Pffft!
Soccer is the sport for these end times, an activity that engages countries so much that most political conflicts will stop this June to observe the 2002 FIFA World Cup. But that doesn't mean warfare will vanish from our doomed planet because the soccer pitch (the playing field, slob) has always been a proxy means for countries to beat one another up—and then usually the violence spills over into real life. Gooooooaaaal!
A look at the opening round's most explosive matchups:
ARGENTINA VS. ENGLAND
Memorably bloody confrontations occur whenever Argentina and England are in the same room together. In 1982, it was the Falkland Islands War, with England kicking Argentina's arse to retake an insignificant archipelago that each country has laid claim to for centuries. But Argentina has had the victories since. It beat England in the 1998 Cup and, in 1986, beat them in a match best remembered for two goals by legendary Argentine striker Diego Maradona. One is known as the “Hand of God” goal because Maradona used his hand (a big no-no) to punch in a goal and later attributed it to divine intervention. The other was his 50-yard dissection of the England defense that is remembered as the most spectacular goal in Cup history. These goals are still a sore point for the limeys and are hailed in Argentina as proof of their superiority over the Brits. Soccer is the least of Argentina's goals right now, though. President Eduardo Duhalde recently vowed that Argentina would retake las Islas Malvinas (as Argentina calls the Falklands), sparking a fierce rebuttal from the English government. Expect Argentina to win the match and afterward invade the Falklands to get out of its economic situation (much as in 1982). And expect England to kick Argentina's arse there once again. SOUTH KOREA VS. THE UNITED STATES
The United States beat the World Cup co-host, 2-1, earlier this year but this was before two incidents sparked South Korean hatred toward Americans. The first was at Salt Lake City's Winter Olympics, where short-track skater Kim Dong-Sung was disqualified from his gold medal for a dubious infraction. The medal was given to American Apolo Anton Ohno, sparking a heated protest from the South Korean government. Afterward, Jay Leno joked that Dong-Sung “was so mad he went home and kicked the dog, and then ate him.” This pissed off South Korea so much it's planning to sue Leno for libel and is organizing a boycott of U.S. products. Judging by the home-pitch advantage and yet another weak U.S. side, expect South Korea to triumph over the Americans—and then eat their dogs for good measure. FRANCE VS. DENMARK
Guess which side noted racist Jean-Marie Le Pen will be rooting for? It won't be the bleu, blanc et rouge. France's multiracial team, whose 1998 Cup triumph was supposed to usher in a new era of racial tolerance in notoriously intolerant France, recently issued a statement condemning Le Pen's anti-immigrant policies and threatened to pull out of the Cup if Le Pen won the election. Le Pen once remarked that most players on the national team weren't truly French since they had roots in other countries. The Denmark squad is a Le Pen dream, composed entirely of Aryans living in the proper political climate: the Danish Peoples Party recently became a major force in the Danish political scene by running an anti-immigrant campaign featuring a poster of a young blond girl with the slogan, “When she retires, Denmark will have a Muslim majority.” Not only will France's rainbow whip the all-white Danes, but they will no doubt give them Le Pen as a consolation prize as well. Here's a couple matches we're hoping to see in the elimination round of 16: JAPAN VS. CHINA VS. SOUTH KOREA
Both China and South Korea still despise the Japanese for the devastation of each country during World War II. China requested that none of its qualifying round games be played in Japan, an appeal the Japanese were happy to grant. South Korea and Japan are scared shitless of China's emerging power, and Japan and China have been fighting for control of the Korean peninsula for, oh, the past millennium. ENGLAND VS. GERMANY
On the eve of the 1966 Cup final (held in England) between England and West Germany, a British newspaper began its story with one of the most immortal lines in European sports coverage (paraphrased here): “If on the morrow Germany beats us in our national pastime, let us take comfort in knowing that we have beaten them twice in theirs.” Now that's good rivalry.
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