Why Donald Trump Will Choose Kid Rock as Poet Laureate

A month ago at this time, who could have predicted that we’d be not just saying the words “President Elect Donald Trump,” but seeing the influx of names resurfacing as part of his administration. Well, maybe a few could have predicted it with the final weeks of his campaign filled with appearances from ‘90s throwback Republican icons like Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani. Now, the big talk has become not just selecting Ben Carson for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development and Scott Pruitt to lead the Environmental Protection Agency, but yesterday’s news that WWE’s own Linda McMahon would be leading the Small Business Administration.

Clearly, as this whole Trump scenario has been from the start, this is Trump doing things all his way. Which is precisely why we predict his United States Poet Laureate will be the Honorable Robert James Richie…better known as Kid Rock.

The U.S. Poet Laureate, or Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress if you’re nasty, is a position that’s basically the American cousin of the Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom. But while that position dates back to 1616 with wildly important and influential British playwright and satirist Ben Jonson, it took America until 1937 to appoint an equivalent in Joseph Auslander. Currently, the title is held by the first Latino Poet Laureate Juan Felipe Herrera, an elected Chancellor of the Academy of American Poets whose recent acclaimed work primarily focuses around recent social events and political issues, as well as the line between protection and imprisonment, a running theme of 2015’s Notes on the Assemblage.

Kid Rock, at one time the rap-rocking devil without a cause, has most recently gone full country. Moving his releases from Atlantic Records to Warner Bros., he released 2015’s First Kiss as a full-fledged uncut country project. Most outside of the country realm are probably more familiar with his recent political work, having endorsed Mitt Romney in 2012 (which he, for some reason, didn’t articulate by screaming “BAWITDABA-DA-BANG-DA-DANG-DIGGY-DIGGY-DIGGY-SAID-THE-BOOGIE-I-ENDORSE-MITT-ROMNEY”) and Ben Carson this election cycle, before ultimately backing Donald J. Trump. But don’t think this early lack of faith hurts him in the Don’s eyes as he’s since gone completely the other way, going as far as to put three pro-Trump t-shirts on sale this week, one of which reads “Guns, God and Trump” and the other two which are legitimately profane *but* poetic, to a degree. Trump likes boys to who like Trump, and now that the Kid likes the Trump, the Trump likes the Kid, dig?

Plus, Trump likes people he can relate to on a personal level. Being that Trump is a second generation flashy money-and-attention-generator, this is something he already has in common with the Motor City American Badass. Kid Rock’s the son of wildly successful Lincoln-Mercury car dealership owner William Bill Richie. Famously striking out on his own when it came to his music career, but always paying homage to Detroit’s automobiles, it’s not unlike Trump throwing the Trump name on all the Trump buildings Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump.

Kid Rock is brazen. Trump is brazen. Kid Rock’s been married to a Playboy Playmate of the Year. Donald Trump appeared in an officially release Playboy videocassette. Kid Rock spent the mid-90s making the underground classic Early Mornin’ Stoned Pimp. Trump had a cameo in the mid-90s underground classic Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Kid Rock being named Poet Laureate is going to happen. That is, if he doesn’t get selected to be a Supreme Court Justice first.

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