|Michael Bolton of Office Space|
By: Luke Winkie
White people love rap music, and white people love rapping along to rap music. This means white people are often faced with a choice of either saying the n-word loud and aggressively, or leaving an awkward, noticeable, self-conscious gap in the middle of their enthusiasm. Obviously when white people rap the n-word they're not trying to offend anyone's sensibilities, but that doesn't make it any less weird. It's a complex situation, which is really funny, because watching white people stress out about their fake-activism is always a wonderful time. So to shed some light, and encourage some honesty, we put our heads together with the nations top scientists, and put together the official power rankings of when and where white people feel comfortable rapping the n-word.
#1 – At night, alone in a car, with windows rolled up.
#2 – Anything involving Drake.
#3 – At a mid-afternoon Lupe Fiasco set at Lollapalooza.
#4 – At any bar that serves $7 shots named after Family Guy characters.
# 5 – While Fat Joe is rapping.
#6 – Minutes after purchasing a limited edition Mountain Dew beverage.
#7 -Throwing up a finger gun in the sideways gangsta-style five minutes before Machine Gun Kelly comes on.
#8 – At literally any Odd Future show.
#9 – At Hot Topic.
#10 – As Killer Mike performs at Pitchfork Music Festival, Ryan Schreiber looking on, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
#11 – While feeling the unmovable euphoria of borrowing the imaginary thrills of gang life to bolster their autopilot existence.
#12 – While feeling the unmovable guilt of borrowing the imaginary thrills of gang life to bolster their autopilot existence.
#13 – While scolding a little sister for not listening to “real hip-hop.”
#14 – While being old.
#15 – While making direct eye contact with Mos Def.
#16 – While not having a black friend.
#17 – While identifying as a Common fan.
#18 – At a Dead Prez show.
#19 – While in HIS 317L: History of the Black Power Movement taught by Professor Moore.
#20 – During “New Slaves“