What We Learned from the 2013 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards

This past Saturday, award show season officially ended with the 2013 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. The 26th installment of the only award show where “kids rule,” it was a star-studded night that legitimately out-shined plenty of its contemporaries. You may think we're kidding, but how many awards shows in recent years have given you both Johnny Depp humbly accepting an acting award with a legitimately moving speech about how children are the future AND a yeti? Of course, there was plenty of music to be heard and being we at the Weekly keep our ear to the streets to hear tomorrow's superstars, here's the top 5 things we learned from watching the 2013 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.


5) The Kids Are Into the Same Music We Were Into, Just Different Kids
Along with being at the show, just about every commercial break (which was only 85 seconds long, other award shows please take note) featured a promo for Nickeldeon's boy band “Big Time Rush's” upcoming season, as well as the premiere of their new video “Like Nobody's Around” at the conclusion of the broadcast. The video itself was clearly aimed at nostalgic parents and children alike it painstakingly recreated noted performances of famed male singing groups of the past (The Temptations, The Osmonds, New Kids on the Block and N*SYNC most notably) while insinuating that Big Time Rush was carrying on the tradition.

4) The Kids Are Into Toys That Simulate Late-90s Raves
We're not joking. The lead sponsor of the show was the new Twister Rave Skip-It whose ad (not seen here) featured a gaggle of teens with Skip-its and glowsticks, presumably all born long after Go's theatrical run. Also heavily advertised was the new Party Rockin' Furbys, because maybe if we keep giving our kids toys that compact all of 1999 into their hands, they won't grow up to be the douche-bag at every college party who pulls out an acoustic guitar.


3) The Kids REALLY Love Katy Perry
First of all, let's put the rumors of waining popularity to rest as the greatest Canadian who ever lived, Justin Bieber, took home the Favorite Male Singer award. Also winning were One Direction who took home two treasured orange blimps for Favorite Group and Favorite Song “What Makes You Beautiful.” But topping them all was Katy Perry who, while unofficially competing with country-pop singer Jennette McCurdy for most wildly inappropriate outfit at a children's award show, picked up Favorite Female Singer honors. On her way to accept the award, the kids got overzealously too-choosy and collapsed the barricade. Since she's the greatest, Ms. Perry helped the fallen children to their feet and then went up to get her blimp.

2) The Kids Are Just As Perplexed as Us By Ke$ha
On one hand, it's really cool Ke$ha could be at the Kids Choice Awards. An outspoken proponent of the anti-bullying moment, she has some pretty great things to say to the youth of tomorrow. Also cool was Ke$ha arriving to the awards with her little brother in matching pastel tuxedos as an homage to Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber. However, during her performance of “We R Who We R” and “C'mon” (which, to her credit, she didn't lip-sync) the kids could be visibly seen turning around looking for an adult to explain to them what was going on. All things considered, it made for the perfect time during the commercial break for parents to explain to their kids exactly what Ke$ha is, which is significantly easier than coming to terms with the fact that Mariah Carey married a former “All That” cast member who WASN'T Josh Server.

1) All Musical Numbers Are Dramatically Improved by Sliming Pitbull
While there were plenty of fun moments at the Kids Choice Awards, like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson winning “Favorite Male Buttkicker” and youthful reinterpretations of “The Harlem Shake,” nothing quite topped that absolutely erratic opening number. While host Josh Duhamel turned in an average performance (although, it's hard to follow last year which saw Will Smith rapping for the first time since 2005) he gave his all into the musical number that saw a Psy parody (“Grandma Style”), cameos from Steven Tyler and his wife Fergie, and former “Real World” cast-member The Miz, all before morphing into a duet between Pitbull and Christina Aguilera performing “Feel This Moment,” culminating in Pitbull being slimed. Your move, Billy Crystal.

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