We Get Letters . . .

Thank you for printing this wonderfully uplifting and positive story . . . I've never read a more biased diatribe in my life. . . . Last year, another reader accused me of having my head up my ass. . . . Both anal sex and rimming are perfectly legitimate sex acts without being turned into terms of abuse. . . . Not even the murder of Officer Tim Garcia seems to have tempered Schou's views. . . . The information on Officer Tim Garcia is incorrect. I am Tim Garcia. I was injured during the incident but not killed. . . . Your newspaper is nothing more than toilet paper with print and the left arm of the waning Democratic Party. . . . Thank you for the glowing review of my friend Amber Dawn's art exhibit at McClain's Coffeehouse in Fullerton. The headlines, however, were stupid. . . . I found myself painfully moved by your desire to stab yourself in your eyes. . . . Why does your website, um, well . . . suck? . . . CONFIDENTIAL TO: The singer who called to say he has contacted his attorney because a Weekly critic compared him to Hitler . . . I enjoy reading the Weekly, but week after week, your website is littered with errors, broken story links and the like. . . . Kane may call us “flaccid.” . . . I don't get it—you seem like just the type of savvy hipsters that would really have your cybershit together. So what's the deal? The average 11-year-old can maintain a glitch-free website with astounding ease, and most of them will work for comic books and Pop Rocks. . . . The good news is Quinn was honored as a Student of the Month last week. However, he got busted for roughing up the school's bully today. . . . Jesus Christ, can't you find anyone remotely interested in writing half-assedly decent reviews about a contemporary iconic artist? . . . Everything you guys write about died in the early '90s. . . . Welcome to the 21st century. . . . We're all sickened by you guys. . . . If Commie Girl keeps hanging out with Rebuplikans, she's gonna have to start calling herself Fascist Girl. . . . If [Daniel] Tsang's ardent promotion of this film is his way of making this into the next My Big Fat Greek Wedding, can he please kiss my big, fat, Filipino ass? . . . Whoever changed my correct spelling of “fellatio” and left out an “l” in my review of The Flip Side needs a stern lesson in proofreading—and more. . . . Who's the Christian hypocrite who posted the Lord's Prayer in the Letters response section? . . . Excuse me, Ned Flanders, but that was the 23rd Psalm. . . . But it seems Kent [Trautloff] is the real A-Hole here. . . . What kind of Angel fan would want his team to lose the World Series so he doesn't have to look at Rally Monkeys and Thunder Sticks? . . . Sure, Argyros is a warm turd . . . Let George be George. Let him keep on raping his tenants. . . . Hey, it ain't over till the fat lady pees. . . . I pray with all my heart that the next time an “undocumented immigrant” rapes, robs or murders someone here in Orange County, it is to you, Matt Coker, or someone you love. . . . Guess what I got kicked out for? SMOKING POT!!! Do you believe that shit?! . . . I stayed home rather than witness these phony dickheads wave their Thunder Sticks at Angels games. They are the same people flying those stupid flags on their cars. . . . All the sheep left Fullerton over a year ago, or were you referring to all of the people who read your bitchen little paper. . . . I am going to put this as succinctly as possible (unlike your articles): your paper sucks. . . . Could you explain the rationale behind the title of the new column “LikeeNoLikee”? . . . She is a female Ted Crisell. . . . What the hell is Rich Kane doing reviewing theater? . . . Your edgy, snot-nosed column really makes me think, “Thank God I was into punk when I was because no matter what, I would not leave a show to run to a mall for a few hours.” . . . The issue here is not that I got bored and went to the mall for a bagel sandwich. The issue here is that you are a 34-year-old man who likes the Offspring. . . . You guys at the Weekly are soooo on the edge. . . . Sir, you are absolutely correct when you assert that our “Likee No Likee” feature is a complete rip-off of Vice. . . . One thing that the Rohrabacher-loving press does know but is unwilling to say is that the Weekly not only sells advertising for prostitutes, but it employs at least one of them as well. . . . I would like to point out that in addition to smoking bone and riding rump, I, too, pay taxes and vote. . . . Ironic, Lyle, that a decent, God-fearing American like yourself should suck such ass. . . . I would like to state for the record that the young lady in question (my daughter) is an 11-year-old Democrat who is proud of her party affiliation—and definitely not a socialist. . . . With all that said, I liked the photo. . . . I am fortunate enough to know the truth and am not convinced by your shallow tactics. . . . I am an Afghan-American woman and am appalled at your article, which seeks to defame Congressman Dana Rohrabacher. . . . I counted about 100 dykes while stuck at an intersection during the march. . . . I am an Afghan woman and am beside myself after reading your article, which is littered with inaccuracies, speculation and flat-out lies. . . . But I also counted 30-plus lesbians and a host of bone-smoking, rump-riding queers in attendance. . . . I am an Afghan-American pre-law student at UCLA and am unnerved at your article about Congressman Dana Rohrabacher. . . . Isn't it wonderful that as a parent, you can accept that your daughter is a carpet-muncher or that your straight-A-student son is a tailgater? . . . The expression “He shit a brick” returns. . . . No thanks! I'll remain a narrow-minded, conservative, tax-paying, registered voter that understands that the penis does not go into the other guy's mouth. . . . You guys suck. . . . If I saw a UFO, I'd ignore it. . . . You lazy asses have done it again. . . . It is likely those who took part in throwing things at the players were Republicans. . . . In all, it's pathetic but not surprising. . . . Thank you so much for dissing LA Times pop critic Robert Hilburn. . . . But this made me think critically about my work. That's the best an ugly baby can hope for. . . . Ordinarily, I chuckle at self-important people who write to complain they were misquoted. Then it happened to me, and now I am shamelessly writing because I was misquoted. . . . Please be advised that this office has been retained to represent Philip Ellison, DDS, in his claim against you for defamation. Dr. Ellison takes issue with and has suffered harm over the cover of your publication, Volume 7, No. 47, in which you label him an “old fart.” . . . Contrary to your libelous statement, Dr. Ellison is a distinguished member of the Orange County community. Dr. Ellison was the president and founder of the Committee for World Peace in Honolulu. . . . Rich Kane's stupid article amounts to the best review of the Tragically Hip I have ever read. . . . [Dr. Ellison] was the vice president of the Waikiki Residents Association, sat on the senior advisory committee to Kaiser Hospital and was in the Army Reserve for 18 years. . . . The fact Seigal thinks a dog dick on the cover of an album is so cool that he's still writing about it 30 years later is all we need to know about how he measures greatness. . . . Dr. Ellison was appointed by U.S. Senator Daniel Inoue to be treasurer of the Democratic Party for the Waikiki precinct and was a docent at the Waikiki Aquarium. . . . I'm sure anyone, such as myself, who just doesn't buy into all that drivel is considered a right-wing loony to be shouted down by the young radical sheep. Pathetic. . . . Dr. Ellison is a true humanitarian. While living at Leisure World, Dr. Ellison has been on the Board of Directors for the Foreign Policy Association, and he founded the United Nations Association Chapter for Leisure World. . . . I'd like to ask that next time you write an article about someone who is transsexual to, um, oh, I don't know, include an actual transsexual in the article. . . . What the fuck was that story all about, and why should we care why a man would want to become a woman? . . . I'm not trying to be some elitist transsexual snob. . . . This is a formal complaint against a piece of trailer trash who addressed my granddaughter as an 18-year-old whore. . . . The word I used was “strumpet.” “Strumpet.” . . . “Going nuclear” is a phrase hardly representative of our group image, and the term “Tree Nazis” was probably unknown to most participants until reading it in your article. . . . Hey, you might wanna mention to “Douchebag” Dave Wielenga, your “sports” reporter, that the Angels have never been in a World Series. . . . Your paper makes me upchuck. Mincing, smugly, self-effacing, pseudo-literate chaff turned out by spoiled, foppish, probably homosexual writers. Which means it's perfect for this county. Keep it up. . . . You have a reputation of disliking Sugar Ray. . . . I'm in my 30s, but just to piss off Commie Girl, it's my solemn vow that if I make it to age 82 and am wealthy, I will become a Viagra junkie and screw every tight-bodied 19-year-old blonde who has a weakness for diamond jewelry that I can find. . . . Would Jim Washburn have had Connie Chung kiss Michael Newdow's ass? . . . I take issue with your statement that Scott Helberg's clients include gamblers and witches. . . . Only at Arby's have I seen servers with such variety of stray hairs, crossed eyes and gapped teeth. We should thank Arby's for creating this hillbilly job-training program. . . . I wasn't aware your Calendar listings were the forum for half-cocked attacks on conservatives. . . . I really have to question the credibility of your paper. . . . The reference to “young boozers” and the comment “try not to puke on the seat” were uncalled for. . . . Who is Dave Wielenga, and why is he so obsessed with aging? . . . The idea of a Sir Sting—even if it were to shut him up—is arguably more nauseating than listening to his solo crap. . . . I don't think the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station (SONGS) is a sitting duck for air or ground attacks. . . . The cure for Will Rogers' Pollyanna piddle is simple: introduce him into the maximum-security ward of a hospital for the criminally insane, with instructions to turn on the charm and talk his way out. Within a few days, he will assure you that he has met quite a few people he didn't like. That's all that need be said about Will Rogers. . . .Your roller skating hatchet job was probably the worst, most inaccurate article I have ever read. . . . What a pleasure to read Gustavo Arellano's review of Babasnicos. It was well-written and researched and graciously free of bitchy, overly colloquial, self-aggrandizing bad writing. What's this guy doing at the Weekly? . . . What are you about? What is the platform you stand on? If you're a self-proclaimed communist, then what are your credentials? I don't understand why you use your title so loosely. So, Commie Girl, here is your chance to convince one skeptic reader that you have the credentials and fiber to call yourself a communist. Or is it all just a gay Orange County act? . . . Because ZEE writer . . . EE EEZ ZEE BEEG . . . 'OW YOU SAY . . . ZEE ASS 'OLE. . . . Can't the Weekly do a food review without historical revisionism? . . . You mean a lot of actors and dancers are gay? Wow, thanks for the insight. . . . Maybe the mayor of Gay Valley will give you the key to the city. . . . I always thought “bitchen” (Weekly spelling) was a contraction of “bitching,” which would then make it spelled “bitchin'” (note apostrophe), which is how I always spelled it when I was in seventh grade. The Weeklyspelling makes it look like some obscure German fruit pastry. . . . I'm beginning to believe that it is your editorial policy to distort and misrepresent facts rather than tell the truth. . . . His many uses for the word madre still crack me up! . . . On behalf of all those rich white people down south, I would like an apology. . . . You should think twice before you compare the elite of the county to those without status, wealth, quality health care, clean food and a bed. . . . Being a journalism student myself, as well as a paintball player . . . We have explained the reason behind this to Mr. Schou so many times that we are starting to get blue in the face (instead of our usual golden-brown color). . . . The ONLY thing all-white when I work is the whipped cream. . . . I object to allegations of being seen at “creepy dive bars” in Dana Point. I can be seen at creepy dive bars throughout the entirety of Orange County and Long Beach. . . . I savored it knowing how [Dave] Matthews' fans would be as annoyed reading it as I was annoyed listening to Matthews massacre a classic Stones song. . . . It wasn't the Mr. Hankey-like, corn-studded fecal cover. . . . THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! . . . Hitler had his cake, AND we ate it, too! Hail victory. . . . The most kick-ass death metal band here in Orange County. I saw them at the Unitarian gig. . . . After talking about how great Richard Nixon had been and what an embarrassment Doris Allen had been, Lois sighed about her relationship with the library's namesake and exclaimed, “I have been missing Dick for years.” . . . Stick to writing your crap, and stop thinking you are an expert in anything other than pathetic, self-centered, pompous dumbasses like yourself. . . . You will be forever doomed to writing your self-involved little bullshit columns on toilet-paper rolls in your cat-feces-infested motel room long after OC Weekly finally wakes up and fires you. . . . Sure, on occasion, we see someone who eagerly displays his anti-Semitic views to others. . . . The Register is a place where paranoia is normal, favoritism is way in your face and your best survival instinct is flight. . . . Dear Ms. Rebecca Schoenkopf: What makes me a loyal fan? The answer is simple: I love you. I assure you it is not that sick love that only stalkers share. . . . I'd be gay if I thought I would ever stand a chance with you. . . . Yes, the Register was a notoriously miserable place to work then, and I can see that some things never change. . . . What is not real is the publication's assertion that I “requested the government's covert extraterrestrial evidence” and discovered a transcript of “a CIA wiretap of [Marilyn] Monroe's bungalow.” . . . Would someone PLEASE tell Sarah's parents that a doctor can't “test” for virginity. . . . The point is we love crackpots, nutcases and squirrel bait for their demented ravings and fashion choices. . . . How could you be chairman of a neo-Nazi party and not know it was racist? . . . I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! . . . Your esteemed fag rag has a way to go before it can claim to know its shit. . . . Stop hating! . . . I must say that I love nice boobs. It's just a shame that the guy who pays for them rarely gets to keep them. . . . I can't begin to tell you how much I despise you and others like you. . . . What's next? Replace Commie Girl with Nazi Man? . . . I live in Los Angeles County. So what is OC Weekly doing on all the newsstands in Long Beach? I have picked it up once or twice and tossed it. . . . John Powers reminds me again how much I dislike critics. . . . Do not get me wrong, I feel the Allens are scum bags. . . . You people wouldn't know love and devotion if it were biting you on the ass. I deserve so much more. . . . God bless you and yours.

6 Replies to “We Get Letters . . .”

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