Ah, jeez. I was hoping nobody would see this.
Look, this is sort of embarrassing, okay? This is basically my version of having a homemade sex tape get leaked.
When my editor told me he was going to cook me a pizza cake, and that I was actually going to be allowed to eat it, I wondered what the catch was. None, he assured me — I just had to consent to being filmed while I gorged myself like a ravenous beast. And now here's the video. We made a pizza cake, and I ate it.
At the time, that seemed like a small price to pay – I mean, listen to me, people, you haven't been in the same room as one of these. With the smell of pizza cake wafting around me in a beautiful miasma, it was like I couldn't think of anything but the pizza cake. It loomed before me, this glorious golden mound of meat, cheese, and carbohydrates; I couldn't imagine a more perfect sight. I was in ecstasy – I would've agreed to anything, and now, shamefully, because of that, you get to watch me devour something truly beautiful.
And keep in mind, I was yeastily intoxicated before I had even tasted the damn thing.
That's the true shame of this video experience, at least on your end – yes, you will get to see me stuff my face. You will view a human being at his most shameful, giggling with shadenfreude as I mop sweat from my brow (look, people, it was really, really hot where we were filming – I promise I don't usually sweat this much) and shovel forkfuls of delicious, cheesy goodness into my face. I talk with my mouth full. I randomly say things to people off camera. I (no, seriously, that's why I'm bringing it up again) perspire quite heavily. And the thing of it is, while I'm clearly enjoying myself, at the end of the day, I don't do shit like this just because I'm a big fat slob (although I am.)
I do it for you. I do it for the people.