Unruly Hare

If the antics of Bugs Bunny, the world's most famous rabbit, are a guide, Leisure World's residents are right to be concerned.

Bugs Bunny is a cross-dresser, a gay homosexual or a she-male. Practically every Bugs Bunny cartoon features a scene in which Bugs gets dolled up in a French-maid outfit or something and kisses Elmer Fudd on the lips. Poor Elmer always looks like he's gonna have a brain embolism when he learns that the babe who has been seducing him is really a bunny she-male. The whole thing is like an animated episode of Jerry Springer. Bugs doesn't merely support same-sex marriages: in the 1950 cartoon “Rabbit of Seville,” Bugs tricks Elmer into marrying him by crooning such phrases as, “I'm your little Senyeree-ter; yooou are my type of guy.” He rushes Elmer to the altar before the easily confused hunter has a clue what's going on. Bugs and Elmer also sang opera and had a grand, swoony romance in the classic short “What's Opera, Doc?”

Bugs Bunny is an anarchist. He has little respect for logic or propriety, and he wantonly destroys property in practically every cartoon. In the 1949 short “Rebel Rabbit,” he embarks on a campaign to become Public Enemy No. 1, a campaign that involves painting candy-cane stripes on the Washington Monument, plugging up Niagara Falls and disrupting a congressional meeting. (You know: “Hey, HARE . . . DIE! Hair dye! That's a joke, son!”) Perhaps putting into practice recipes he has gleaned from the pages of The Anarchist's Cookbook, Bugs often experiments with explosives, baking them into pies and whatnot. In 1957's “Bedeviled Rabbit,” Bugs foils the Tasmanian Devil by serving him a plate of “Wild Toikey Surprise.” Needless to say, Taz gets a surprise, indeed, when the “toikey” turns out to be packed with highly combustible materials! Luckily, the Tasmanian Devil has an iron stomach, and even after swallowing the explosives, he escapes without serious injury. No thanks to Bugs, of course, the wickedest wabbit of them all!

Bugs Bunny is obviously an ex-con (he is sent away to Sing Song Prison in “Big House Bunny”) and a smoker (he was seen blowing a cigar into Elmer Fudd's face in “Bugs' Bonnets”) and is generally mad, bad and dangerous to know. Even Daffy Duck, the closest thing Bugs has to a friend, has referred to Bugs as “dith-picable” on numerous occasions. In the 1991 short “Bunny Bloopers,” Daffy even called Bugs a “smug son of a . . .” The scene, thank goodness, was cut off before Daffy could complete the sentence, preventing further corruption of our nation's youth. Actually, Daffy is a real piece of work in his own right, and the fact that Bugs is known to associate with this lisping amoralist is further proof of the rabbit's own shockingly low morals.

Bugs Bunny seems to reserve special scorn for the elderly, as evidenced by events in the 1944 cartoon “Old Grey Hare.” Set too prophetically in the year 2000, the cartoon depicts an aged, stoop-shouldered and pathetic Elmer Fudd being endlessly assaulted and humiliated by a still-spry Bugs. Even Elmer's Space Age ray gun isn't enough to keep the evil, goatee-sportin' rodent at bay! Bugs fucks with Elmer's brains for minute after merciless minute, even calling him “prune face” at one point. His taunting eventually reduces the poor old man to tears, and then Bugs finishes the whole sorry business off by lowering an emotionally destroyed Elmer into a grave and burying him alive, cackling, as he does, “So long, Methuselah!” Even this astonishingly hateful act fails to fully gratify the rabbit's twisted desires, for he soon dives into Elmer's grave to plant a smacker on the old man's lips . . . and hand him one last stick of dynamite for the road!

This is the kind of creature a senior citizen could have nightmares about. Today the bunnies are pooping in the begonias and shtupping on your doorstep; tomorrow they're baking you pies full of dynamite and burying you alive. Exterminators, hell . . . I say the righteously pissed-off oldsters at Leisure World should enjoy the rare pleasure of killing each of the rabbits themselves.

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