Nope, not MC Serch of 3rd Bass (as seen above)! His image from the early '90s is just a perfect representation of all things white rap: horrible haircut; worse glasses; shaved eyebrow; laughable jewelry; Jewish.
Still, for you, I tried. Learn more after the jump.
5. Snow: INFORMER! YOOBONOSAYDAYOOSHOWMOOGONEBLAM! AILICKEEBOOBOODOW! Actually, what does he say there? One second, I'm gonna look it up. AH-HAH! He says: “You know say daddy me snow me-a gonna blame. A licky boom-boom down.” You know, that doesn't make any fucking sense either. I'm not sure if babbling incoherent nonsense can officially be considered rap music, but Snow sure had that white rapper look down. He looked like the illegitimate kid of Bryan Abrams of Color Me Badd (yes, I had to look that up) and Pete Nice of 3rd Bass. Apparently, the early '90s was not a good time for white rappers or their hairdos.
4. TIE: Vanilla Ice/Insane Clown Posse: I bet you thought Vanilla Ice would be No. 1, didn't you? I thought about it, but I hesitated because I didn't want Vanilla Ice ever to be No. 1 at anything. Why? Because he lied about stealing the beat from Queen's “Under Pressure”! Because he had the worst look and style of anyone who came before or after him! And because he did a cameo in the sequel to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie! Still though, believe it or not, there are worse white rappers out there… white rappers like ICP.
Insane Clown Posse is to rap/metal (or however a Juggalo may label their “sound”) what John Wayne Gacy was to teenage boys: CERTAIN DEATH! But what do Vanilla Ice and ICP have in common? They are both so bad, so laughable, that they'll be remembered more as parodies of themselves than they will be as rappers. Thank God. I'd hate to see a Vanilla Ice/Insane Clown Posse retrospective at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame anytime soon.
3. “Macho Man” Randy Savage: Rest in peace, Macho Man. May you forever be remembered for your awesome eighties wrestling career and rivalry with Hulk Hogan, and not for your terrible, awful, really fucking horrible 2003 rap album Be A Man. Did I mention how bad it was? Do you doubt me? If so, click below to hear the album's title track/anti-Hogan anthem. I guess in his defense though, he did release a rap album at the age of fifty. As a wrestler. And a white guy. Balls of steel, Savage. And not just for those diving elbow drops.
2. The 1985 Chicago Bears: I don't care what anyone says, “The Super Bowl Shuffle” counts no matter how many black guys made up the 1985 Chicago Bears, mostly because the white guys suck so much that they ruin it for anyone on the team who may have had an ounce of funk in them. Did you catch Maury Buford (#8) wearing the hat and banging on his cowbell at the 1:45 mark? Holy crap. Buford might be the worst white rapper in history, and he didn't even have to rhyme once to achieve it! And no offense to any Bear fans out there, but I think Ed McMahon could rap better than Jim McMahon. In Jim's defense though, Ed couldn't throw a touchdown to save his life. I saw Ed McMahon throw a football once; it was almost as sad as listening to Jim McMahon rap.
1. Denny Blaze, AKA The Average Homeboy: Odds are either your friends forwarded you a link to this video, or you caught it on any one of the popular Internet clip shows out there (Tosh.0, which I want to plug because it's awesome). If you haven't been BLAZED yet, hit play, sit back, and learn why Denny Blaze is easily the worst white rapper ever.
Runner-up: Master P: Yeah, he's black, but he sure raps like a white boy. “Hey, I gotta find something that rhymes with 'UHHH!' Oh, I got it: 'UHHH!'” Since 1991, Master P has been taking a master pee all over rap. I bet you thought that was R. Kelly's job, huh?
And to cleanse my Caucasian hip-hop palette, here's the video for MC Serch's solo hit from 1992, “Here It Comes.” The video is pretty cheeseball, but the beat and song is quality.