Great robocall system you have—it’s a real drunk dialer. Yes, like everyone else for the past four years, I’m tremendously interested in Varsity Cleat Week and can’t wait to find out more about awkward parent/doughnut social events and senior key-fob order-form deadlines. Please keep my phone ringing without inhibition at all times so that it constantly interferes with what I’m trying to do on it and make sure to use the voice that resembles that kid on the work-experience program who hasn’t quite got the human-empathy thing nailed down. Love that touch. I especially want to become so saturated with informational clutter that I automatically delete even the messages that may be important. You know, I’m kind of sorry my daughter just graduated because that means now I won’t receive any more inane calls from you, but you have to admit it would be hard to top the absurdity of the (I hope) final one you made, which came in the middle of her afternoon graduation ceremony, informing me she had “unverified absences in periods 1, 3 and 5” that day.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to le*****@oc******.com.
