The Real Rap Sheets of the Jackass Cast

Jackass star Steve-O was arrested in Calgary this week for allegedly assaulting a heckler there eight years ago. Call us jaded, but we think the Canadian authorities are overreacting to behavior that’s more an extension of the Jackass brand than a threat to public safety.

While Steve-O and his buddies have committed their share of transgressions over the years, rarely have they warranted serious police intervention. We review the offenses of the Jackass gang, criminal and otherwise, and recommend the punishments they really deserve.

Johnny Knoxville aka The Accidental Terrorist

The charge: “Bringing a prohibited item onto an airplane.”

In 2009, Knoxville was arrested for carrying a prop grenade through Los Angeles International Airport.

What he’s really guilty of: Pretension Unbecoming of a Jackass. Forgetting that he’s essentially a 21st-century Mo Howard, Knoxville has a tendency to name his pranks and stunts like works of art and discuss them with the kind of hypnotized reverence we’d expect from a lisping grad student.

While we recognize that taking repeated hits to the testicles from a giant Styrofoam fist requires some degree of planning, we question whether it rises to the level of film auteur.

Punishment: Trilogy of Walking Tall sequels with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Bam Margera aka The Domestic Disturber

The charge: In 2007, Margera built an unauthorized skate ramp in his back yard and caused $13,000 in damage to a hotel. Bam has filed restraining orders against an ex-girlfriend alleging vandalism, theft, and other dysfunctional relationship standbys. As of late he’s become estranged from his wife, and every now and then, video pops up online of Margera partying like Charlie Sheen.

What he’s really guilty of: Felony Failure to Thrive. At 31, Bam reportedly still lives with his mom, dad, uncle, and a rotating cast of extended family in his suburban Philadelphia mansion.

Punishment: Confined for three months to a Temple University dorm room with former members of The Bloodhound Gang; food allowance of $75 per week; part-time job bagging groceries.

Steve O aka The Survivor

The charge: Along with his arrest this week, Steve-O pleaded guilty to felony cocaine possession in June 2008, an offense for which he remains on probation.

What he’s really guilty of: Felony regrettable tattoo, fraternizing with Lindsay Lohan, and being yet another famous addict to share his recovery story with blowhard wannabe hero Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Punishment: Six months as Daniel Baldwin’s Narcotics Anonymous sponsor.

Chris Pontius aka The Naked One

The charge: None that we can find, but some disorderly conduct arrests in the last decade seem likely.

What he’s guilty of: Continuing the icky public nudity pioneered by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Punishment: 6 months as Anthony Kiedis’ private masseuse.

Dave England aka The Poop Guy

The charge: Nothing yet, but based on the clip above, he’ll get arrested sooner than later.

What he’s guilty of: Decade-long public preoccupation with fecal matter; bearing a resemblance to a dusted, homeless Dax Shepard; snowboarding.

Punishment: Charmin.

Preston Lacy aka The Fat One

The charge: Arrested in December for marijuana possession.

What he’s really guilty of: Misdemeanor skit redundancy. At some point, Lacy needs to find a way to amuse us other than running down the street in his underwear with Wee Man in pursuit.

Punishment: The Biggest Loser, Celebrity Edition

Ryan Dunn aka The Anal Queen

The charge: None that we know of.

What he’s guilty of: It would be cruel to publicly ridicule a man who put a Matchbox car up his ass (see above).

Punishment: We think he’s suffered enough.

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