Don't hold your breath for the end of the world. It already happened. Sorta.
The announcement came Saturday at Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, and was made by a South Korean preacher who once signed a blood oath to God after a star fell from the sky and guided him to a heavenly messenger.
The OCeeker shits you not, ye heathen.
I saw the light
After a smoke in the parking lot and a Spotify spin of Dan Reeder's “Food and Pussy”, your freelancin' philanderer learned all about it.
Man Hee Lee, who descends from the royal Joseon Dynasty, was born in 1931, in the countryside town of Gyeongbuk Cheongdo. He was the seventh of 12 sons. His name means “complete light”, and was given to him by his grandfather, who had a vision of a light from heaven shining down. When that happens, you know some good shit's a'comin'.
The OCeeker is the first-born of three chilrens, and his pawpaw had a vision of Brut rainin' down from heaven. His name means “sower of wild oats.”
Anyway. Once upon a time, during a moment of prayer, the aforementioned star lit upon Lee, and he purposed in his heart to spread God's message to the world. The message? That the New Testament prophecies–including Revelation–have been fulfilled. You see, after Lee was visited by the heavenly host, he dropped by Tabernacle Temple in his hometown, and “saw and heard the events right before my very eyes that were fulfilling Revelation.”
This presumably not only included Jesus ralphing out lukewarm believers, but the Whore of Babylon riding a scarlet beast with seven heads and 10 horns. In other words, the wingnuts that gather at Bible prophecy conferences to hear about the latest bogeyman who will soon become the Antichrist? They're totally lame, bro.
Not so, the throng of believers who assembled at Crystal Cathedral to hear Lee deliver the straight dope from the deity.
The OCeeker last visited Crystal Cathedral to attend the funeral of a woman who shot herself in the head. He still remembers the poignant playing of Sting's “Fields of Gold”. If Robert Schuller had witnessed what the OCeeker saw Saturday, well, let's just say we'd once again have to hear about the west wind moving like a lover so, upon them fields o' barley.
Not all those who wander are lost
Your lord and king ambled into the sanctuary, whereupon he was immediately greeted by some of the cutest Korean gals seen outside a sweatshop. Indeed, fellow alphas, they were smartly dressed, and appeared to be made in the same factory as Sun from “Lost”. They sure as hell didn't look like Margaret Cho.
Now, the OCeeker is bilingual–he speaks English and love. But he don't speaky the Korean. Thankfully, the seminar folks provided an English translation through headsets in the pews, which clearly were designed during an era when Americans weren't fat. (Not a lotta room for a rascal to recline.) And oh thank heaven for that sweet little lady voice that carelessly whispered Lee's teachings in the OCeeker's ears. She had a slight accent, and as God is true, the OCeeker thought he heard her say she would love him “long time.”
After a worship set, where we sang the modern-hymns of American evangelicalism (when asked to raise our hands in worship, the OCeeker, with one hand in his pocket, lifted the other in a Nazi salute), Lee took the stage, dressed in a dark suit and bright yellow tie. Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old Man Lee, ye heathen.
He is the founder and spiritual leader of the Tabernacle of Testimony in South Korea. It claims 53 daughter churches and more than 140,000 members worldwide. Lee says he is the only person–uh, besides, um, the Apostle John–who saw and heard the events of Revelation and can share the book's mysteries with the world.
Now, maybe the translator was off a little, but it seemed as though Lee claimed to be the one whom Jesus said would come after him, testifying of him. If this is true, then the Holy Spirit is not an omnipresent witness of Christ, but an elderly Korean man who uses a chalkboard to teach, a la Gene Scott. Sorry to say, but unlike Scott's teaching, there were no videos of dancing women and race horses to accompany the message.
Lee said that what he was about to share was what he had "seen and what I've heard, and been commanded to speak from Jesus.”
In a nutshell (no pun intended, ye heathen), during his early sojourn of faith, Jesus had a powwow with Lee, and led him back to the Tabernacle Temple, where he saw that Satan had infiltrated the church, and the pastors had become his priests. Lee, kinda like how Jesus wrote letters to the seven churches in Revelation, fired him off an epistle to the pastors, admonishing their dumbasses to overcome that shit. They didn't.
And now Lee is delivering the true gospel, and the message that he has seen all the prophecies of Revelation fulfilled spiritually. There's no need to look for WWIII or nuclear bombs, he said. Take that, Chuck Smith!
A faithful steward of the heavenly visions, Lee basically is the only man alive who has heard straight from the Lord. As he said, nothing like this has happened before, and it will never happen again. Although a smattering of white folk left early on, and so did some Mexis, the mostly Korean audience heartily cheered on Lee.
But, like many a martyr, he is a persecuted man.
"Do you know how many people curse me?” he said.
Fuck them asswipes, Lee. The ol' OCeeker got yer back.
"Because I'm talking about this, there are people who want to kill me,” Lee said.
That's because they can't kill the message, Lee. Especially if you have a personal false prophet to testify of your truthiness in these here pages.
The OCeeker gave the seminar zero of out five Korean barbecues. You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool a ramblin' cad none o' the time.