PowerPoint presentations . . . Jared, the fat bastard from Subway . . . Leisure World . . . platform sandals . . . presidents who lose the popular vote . . . The Greatest Generation . . . Stephen Ambrose . . . “thinking outside the box” . . . boxing . . . the death of irony . . . the life of Robin Williams . . . “axis of evil” . . . “make no mistake . . .” . . . patchouli . . . paper cuts . . . Santa Ana winds . . . Tom Brokaw . . . drum solos . . . Ticketmaster . . . OC Weekly . . . sex . . . hot sand . . . “. . . at the end of the day . . .” Keanu Reeves . . . one-hour photo . . . figure skating . . . child actors . . . Bob Saget . . . Love Letters featuring Hal Holbrook and Miss Dixie Carter . . . Ricky Martin . . . Southern California Edison . . . Eddie . . . possessions . . . HMOs . . . Winona Ryder . . . macrame . . . cell phones . . . Miss Cleo . . . Florida . . . Texas . . . France . . . Australia . . . Tonnie Katz . . . television . . . television-haters . . . math teachers . . . swimming instructors who make you swim an entire lap before getting out, and if you can't do it and cry for your mother, they make her (your mother) walk outside behind the fence so you can't see her when you're, like, four . . . TNN, but not the new TNN . . . AYSO . . . AYSO coaches over 50 . . . DMV . . . Nancy Reagan . . . Barbara Bush . . . John Taylor (Nixon Library) . . . John Taylor (Duran Duran) . . . John Stoessel . . . Huntington Beach . . . Weezer . . . 50-year-old male Springsteen fans . . . Dave Matthews Band . . . dog sex . . . orange Gatorade . . . “as seen on TV” . . . “Do I look fat in this?” . . . Canada . . . Liz Smith . . . fake hookers . . . fake porn . . . escorts in the back of the Weekly who really only escort . . . being called “ma'am” . . . having to explain, again, over the phone, that you are a man . . . Thomas Kincaid . . . the Irish . . . the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon . . . Jerry Lewis . . . Jerry Lewis, the congressman from Riverside . . . basically anyone named Jerry or Lewis . . . Riverside . . . Folgers . . . Heil Street . . .Von Karman Street . . . Golden West . . . Teller Street . . . Shelle's grandma . . . monkeys at the Santa Ana Zoo . . . crack whores who don't give change . . . waterslide parks . . . Tang in all its forms . . . wife beaters (the shirt and the guy) . . . foreign sports cars with exploding passenger seats and no sunroof . . . Shriners . . . parades . . . turtles . . . Shriners riding around in parades in little motorized turtles with those hats . . . that guy . . . self-satisfied vegetarians . . . my roommate's girlfriend . . . uppity vegans . . . meat eaters . . . foot odor . . . the kit (goatee, earring, backward baseball cap) . . . pimps . . . hos . . . balls . . . George Argyros . . . George Argyros' bronzed head . . . “size matters” . . . threesomes that turn out completely not the way you thought they would . . . that smell . . . helicopters that pull you over for supposedly running a stop sign at an intersection that doesn't exist and now you can only speed on cloudy days . . . “then the terrorists win” . . . 40-year-old moms who wear Roxy . . . dirigibles . . . poets . . . anyone who thinks they're better than us . . . not turning your lights on when you're in the fog because you're afraid you'll forget to turn them off . . . fog . . . the dick who says, “Hey, d'ya know you left your lights on, wad?” . . . wads . . . movies based on video games . . . video games based on well-known murders . . . movies based on bad TV shows . . . bad TV shows based on other bad TV shows . . . TV Land . . . Joan Rivers . . . Steve Kmetko . . . Jules Asner . . . the E! Network . . . those two midgets who sell real estate on TV . . . the way Bill treats his employees . . . The View . . . Barbara Walters . . . Carl Karcher . . . Georgia Frontiere . . . Freemasons . . . moderately priced masons . . . Mason Reese . . . Jackie Mason . . . SUVs . . . Meg Ryan . . . Meg Ryan . . . Meg Ryan . . . people who talk with bad English accents . . . mindfucks . . . Twinkies . . . Freaky Dog Sex Girl . . . traffic-ticket quotas . . . au pairs . . . au solos . . . au yeaaaaah . . . telemarketers . . . “my bad” . . . James Lipton . . . closed doors . . . “We were like a family on the set.” . . . Tinkerbell when she's off her meds . . . Tony Danza . . . Melissa Rivers . . . Kresal and all his empty promises . . . people who won't let those nice Bush girls have some fun . . . those nice Bush girls . . . heh, heh, Bush . . . child beauty contests . . . Rosie O'Donnell . . . Oprah . . . Dr. Phil . . . reality shows' “creative differences” . . .
