Illustration by Bob AulAll right, assholes, listen up. Let me tell you two things you might not know. First off, not only did you scare the shit out of me when you threw a barrage of eggs at my car as I drove down your street, but you also permanently damaged my new paint job. It's taken me days to peel off the sticky flecks of eggshell and dried yolk from my driver's door, and it's still stained. Second, that subpoena you found in your mailbox, the summons to appear for violating California Penal Code Section 594 (vandalism) and advising you of my lawsuit against you? It's fake. I wrote it up using $10 legal-writing software. I can hardly wait until next week when you're dressed in your best suit, panicked and running through the central courthouse, trying to find the location of your “hearing.”
—Anonymous
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