Remember those Taco Bell Waffle Taco things? And that weird hash brown Crunchwrap majigger? Well, if you don't, surely you've noticed that Taco Bell is inexplicably open when most of its pot-addled clientele is asleep, the traditional American breakfast hours of 6 to 9 a.m., serving up shit that nobody asked for, like a Sausage 'n Gravy Crunchwrap.
Sidebar with me? Isn't it weird that Taco Bell hasn't tapped into "traditional" Mexican breakfast dishes like huevos rancheros, or anything involving chorizo? I mean, nobody expects authentic from the Bell – that's honestly part of its appeal – but if your entire marketing strategy is to make a breakfast that's somehow drastically different from everyone else's, maybe think about working within genre of food you serve? Instead of just making ANOTHER sausage/egg/cheese breakfast sandwich that happens to be shaped differently.)
This brings us to Taco Bell's latest foray into the AM market – the Biscuit Taco. Ah, I said, watching the Kafkaesque marketing campaign, wherein other fast food breakfast dishes are painted as the enforcers of a totalitarian food regime. Now Taco Bell gets it. This is an innovative idea. Just kidding – I didn't say that at all. Because it's NOT innovative, and for Taco Bell, it's not necessarily a step in the right direction, but at least now it makes sense? A biscuit is, at least, analogous to a slice of bread, which is, of course, analogous to a soft flour tortilla. Waffles were just plain ridiculous.
So, because I do this thing where I disregard my own personal health on a daily basis, I went to my local Taco Bell on Thursday morning, and ordered two Biscuit Tacos. They weren't even on the menu yet, and I felt appropriately ridiculous when the cashier told me that I was the first person to order one, and that, when it took almost 10 minute to get my tacos when I was the only customer in line, I was the one who apologized to him, and it made sense. So I shuffled back to my car and opened up my bag to pull out my Sausage Biscuit Taco and my Crispy Chicken Biscuit Taco, whereupon I developed a straightforward PRO/CON list for this latest abomination unto all mankind.
-Unlike the Waffle Tacos, Biscuit Tacos are actually shaped like tacos
-It's literally just a breakfast sandwich shaped like a taco
Okay, so obviously that was a red herring and I have way more opinions on these things. First of all, let's just accept the fact of the CON above – these bad boys are no different from a McMuffin or a Breakfast Jack…save the fact that they're a little smaller and cost a dollar more. The shredded cheddar (unmelted) on the Sausage Biscuit Taco is more a sad dusting than the melty glue that holds the sandwich together, and the fluffy biscuit that it sits on – while buttery and moist as a biscuit should be – really tends to dominate the overall flavor experience.
If you want sausage, egg, and cheese delivered to you in a sandwich format between the hours of 6 and 9, please, you can go anywhere. It really makes no difference. Shh. Shh. Don't pretend. They all taste the same.
But now this brings me to the Crispy Chicken Biscuit Taco, which, if we're all being honest, is just an excuse to eat chicken strips for breakfast. That's not a complaint on my part; I love chicken strips, but you should see the faces people make at me when I try to order a 10-piece nugget before 8 a.m. So I was already excited when I pulled this bad boy out of the bag, and, I'll be honest, it looked pretty good.
Instead of crafting a weird little box like they did with the Waffle Taco, Taco Bell's new breakfast bunch employs the same type of taco holder used for the Doritos Locos taco, a sturdy little cardboard contraption that ensures that classic taco shape you know and love. What's more, this isn't just a sliver of fried chicken resting within a biscuit, no sir – this is a sliver of fried chicken resting within a biscuit DRIZZLED with jalapeno honey, which may smell identical to Panda Express sweet and sour sauce, but tastes exactly how it sounds: like sweet, delicious honey with a spicy aftertaste. In addition to adding some well-needed flavor, this poco picante nectar makes for a well-needed lubricant.
More importantly, the Crispy Chicken Biscuit Taco shows that Taco Bell can finally cross its last fast food hurdle – fried chicken. Bacon, steak, breakfast, dessert – they've done all of them, and now, with this singular piece of well-battered, well-proportioned poultry, they've run the full gauntlet. Not only does this tasty little number singlehandedly redeem the Bell's breakfast experiment, but it also establishes a beautiful precedent.
After all, Taco Bell and KFC fall under the same parent corporation – are you thinking what I'm thinking? Can you also envision a world where you can go into a restaurant and ORDER an Original Recipe Chicken Gravy Quesadilla, instead of trying to Frankenstein one in your kitchen at three in the morning like some sort of culinary mad scientist?
The future is bright, dear children, and as always, Taco Bell keeps hope alive.