Are you tired of the police always busting up your drug-running operation? Would you like to be provided with top-notch military equipment? Ever feel like the people fighting America's enemies in South America could use a bit more heavy weaponry? Then the CIA is definitely for you.
Here at the CIA we're not afraid to get our hands dirty – provided we're wearing scary black gloves so as to leave no prints, of course! When you're not running guns and drugs to various exotic locales, intimidating former CIA contractors or helping assassinate iconic Argentinian-born revolutionaries with monosyllabic names, you might even get to try and influence U.S. foreign policy. And don't worry; if the White House or the President himself doesn't listen to your legitimate warnings about imminent terrorist threats to America, or how Saddam didn't have WMDs, you can always kick back by waterboarding prisoners in one of our numerous secret prisons scattered across the globe. Did I mention we even give out LSD?
Recently our West Coast recruiter Mike Mau, during an Oct. 17 recruitment seminar at Cal State Fullerton, described our corporate ethos:
“Our job was once like following one giant whale in the ocean. But now it's like following 20 sharks in different oceans, never knowing which one might bite.”
We've learned that the Captain Ahab strategy doesn't work; for one, everybody thinks you're insane. Nowadays we have more of a Chief Brody approach. Anyone unfamiliar with Roy Scheider's role in Jaws need not apply. Of the 30 students who attended the seminar, two were quoted in the Register: Gabriel Figueroa, 26, and Celeste Mayhew, 21. Don't make the same mistake as these two; keep a low profile and keep your name out of the newspaper. Otherwise you'll end up like Valerie Plame.
If you think you can make the cut, contact us at www.cia.gov, or visit our headquarters in Langley, Virginia.
The CIA: And you shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free – unless you're in one of our secret prisons!