Actually, I take that back. I do know how I feel about it: I think it's terribly dumb. And as if punching strangers weren't bad enough, the group's “logo” (shown above, as seen on their Facebook page) is total garbage. Couldn't they find a hipster-hater who knows how to draw? Or at least one who knows how to use a program that isn't MS Paint?
Regardless, rather than encourage violence of any sort on any one group, I figured I'd compile a list of suggestions of more positive national holidays we could all be celebrating every June 1st. Look for the list after the jump.
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1. National Offer a Child You Don't Know Candy Day
Drive (preferably a van with tinted windows) around an elementary school a few times once school lets out and seek out the most candy-needy kid out of the batch. Odds are you'll find a few of them, but really hone in on one who is walking alone. Then just casually pull up along side of him/her, roll down your window, and offer them some candy. It's like trick-or-treating at Halloween, but you bring the candy to them instead of having them come to you! Note: Studies show that kids are most likely to accept candy from strangers dressed in hooded sweatshirts, sunglasses, wigs, or all of the above.
2. National Hug an Emo Kid Day
Contrary to popular belief, emo kids love being hugged. Try it some day. Walk up to any teenager in Hot Topic and give him/her a long, hard hug. They'll love you for it… and then place a terrible hex on you and everyone you love! Still, you shouldn't let that stop you. Emo kids are just like terrorists: They hate our freedom and our hugs, but it's our duty as good, God-fearing Americans to force both on them.
3. National Compliment a Balding Hungarian Man Day
Hey, we've got to look out for our own, right? And besides, I figure I'll spend most of tomorrow getting punched in the face, so it will be nice to get some compliments thrown at me in between beatings.
4. National Adopt a Mental Patient Day
Walk into the nearest mental hospital and offer to permanently adopt a patient. Not only will you be saving your state some much-needed revenue, but you'll also be showing someone less fortunate how a “normal” person lives. Take them with you to Subway for lunch, bring them along during a shopping trip at Costco, and follow it up with a matinee screening of “Priest.” Trust me, they'll be begging to be returned to the looney bin by dinner.
5. National Sleep with a Trekkie Day
They dress up like Klingons, live in their mother's basement, and play video games all day long. But Trekkies, just like all humans, animals and sexy aliens, need love. Rather than punch a hipster in the face, why not live long and prosper in the longest forty-seven seconds of your life instead? After all, at least sleeping with a Trekkie is legal… in most states.
