Shit People Actually Said at Coachella

By: Artemis Thomas-Hansard
You know those “Shit People Going to Coachella Say” parody videos on YouTube? Screw that. Reality at Coachella 2015 is stranger and funnier than what any Funny or Die wannabes could come up with. Here are 25 of the most memorable things our professionally trained eavesdroppers have heard on the polo grounds this year.


25. “I don't really like concerts that much.” — Some jaded radio-industry dude, in line to pick up our weekend passes on Thursday night.

24. “The stank stays on you.” — The conclusion of an argument regarding whether or not sweat brings the “stank” with it when it evaporates. Pretty gross considering we were about to spend the next three days gliding through the festival on a sweaty, human slip-n-slide

23. The moment you realize your best friend is a bitch…
Friday, 12:17 p.m. Girl actually about to have a panic attack about her wristband: “Oh my god, it's so tight! I have to keep this on the whole weekend?!”
Deadpan girl 2: “OK, stop.”

22. “She's like Janet Joplin. Wait, I mean JANIS Joplin, that's what I'm trying to say. She's like Janis Joplin and Aretha Franklin. That's a good comparison. I'm good at that” — A very intelligent assessment of Alabama Shakes' frontwoman Brittany Howard

23. A cause for celebration…
“How many times did you pee today?”
“Like four.”
“Wow, that's like a no-pee record for you. Killin' it!”

Steely Dan was makin' us feel some type of way…
22. “For those hexagenerians, I'd flash my titty-generians.”

21. “Shake my tree, Steely Dan!” — Post-Walter Becker rant about shaking up peoples' metaphorical musical trees.

20. And apparently so was Angus Young…
“I've never been so turned on by a shirtless 70-year-old. But, damn, those fingers are magic! Can you imagine!”

19. Like, whoa…
“Think about it. Imagine if someone from Timbuktu was watching us on some streaming service right now. They'd be like, 'Shit, America is having the time of their lives.'”

18. “We really couldn't get better seating because Chris Brown is behind us right now.” Celebrities, they love Tame Impala just like the rest of us.

17. AC/DC lyrics 101
“Dah-Dah! Uh-uh-uh-uhhuhhhuhuhuh. Dah-Dah! Uh-uh-uh-uhhuhhhuhuhuh.”
“Yo, bro, you know they're saying 'thunder,' right?”
“No way. This whole time I just though they were, like, barking.”

16. “You're a top cunt.” Apparently this is a compliment in Australia.

15. “Where the hell did all these glitter tattoos come from? It's like Free People took a metallic shit on everyone.”

14. “This is impressive. I am very impressed with you right now.” — one of six girls riding a single pedicab, to a visibly straining pedicab driver.

13. Runnin' Jewels Fast, runnin' runnin' jewels fast…
Killer Mike: “I'm fat, I'm cute and I can dance, bitch.”
El-P: “You're a fucking elegant elephant motherfucker.”

Then came the Josh Tillman comedy hour…
12. “Thank you for being here. I know there are a few other options that don't include a grown ass man shaking his hips around and singing about kissing his brother.”

11. “Such an honor to have all the depressive, sad bastards here. We need representation, you know. All of us who don't really like being out in the sun.”

10. “Forlornly lift your light sabers into the air.”

9. And we thought WE were excited for Ratatat…
“That was an out of body experience. I feel like a fucking LSD angel.”

8. I looooooove Stagecoach
“Do you know what tent this is?”
“No, not who's playing! What tent!”

7. “Somebody is losing their shit on the golf course right now.”

6. “I'm just getting really tired of having all this Brandy Melville ass in my face.” PREACH.

See also:
How the Hell Do People Afford Coachella?
Standing Up to Pee at Coachella: A Tale of Triumph
Funniest Craig's List Ads for People Bartering Coachella Wristbands

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