Seven Rules for Smoking at Shows

By Gavin Cleaver

We thought it might be high time to remind smokers of the etiquette of smoking at gigs. Yes, it's one thing most of us rebels can't help but do when you put a drink and a band in front of us. As someone who smokes, I'm well-aware of the many social pitfalls of my death-inducing pursuit. I'm not Captain Buzzkill from Planet Square, but have some respect, eh?


1. Realize your surroundings. If you're inside a venue that allows smoking indoors, at least consider going outside. If you're allowed to stay inside because apparently it's the 20th century at that venue, then try to not blow smoke directly at someone else. Look at where the smoke's going, and blow it away from other people. They're probably just there to see a nice concert or something.

2. The patio isn't a carcinogenic free-for-all. Everyone on a smoking patio is there by choice. This doesn't mean, however, you are free to just blow your smoke wherever. Go to a less inhabited part. However, a packed-full smoking patio of mildly inebriated people is a good place to strike up conversations with the gender of your choice, so, you know, bear that in mind.

3. Have regard for the security guard. Respect the poor sod whose job it is to stand on said patio and make sure people don't jump the fence to get in. He didn't ask to hear your story about how this one time, you were drunk, and you did something so amazing you can't find the words to describe it. He's just trying stop people from doing the live-music equivalent of downloading an album, all while covered in cigarette smoke.

4. Don't (appear to) be a bum. If, while on said smoking patio, you realize you are bereft of smokes, it's always nicer to offer to buy a cigarette off someone rather than straight out ask for one. They'll probably give it to you anyway, but if they say no, don't get all sulky. Don't be that guy.

5. Don't drag and dash. Should someone be so kind as to offer you a cigarette, at least try to have a little chat with them. Show gratitude. Don't take it and immediately turn back to your group of friends.

7. Don't smoke weed on the patio. Seriously, are you insane?

6. Weed out the narcs. Smoking weed inside–that's a totally different ball game. Stand right in the middle of a very large group of people, as tight to them as possible. Offer it around a bit, checking that none of the people you offer it to have “SECURITY” on his or her shirt. After eight seconds, when you begin to feel some paranoia, that is the perfect time to start passing it around. Also pass if you see security coming for you. Then you can be all, “OFFICER IT WAS THAT GUY GET HIM DRUGS ARE FOR LOSERS OKAY!” This would be the perfect time to set your bag full of drugs on fire and run off into the night, cackling.

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