Saved by the Cross

It was very early—8 a.m. for me, 11 a.m. for David Cross—when we had a lovely interview by phone for his upcoming Irvine Improv gig. David Cross is cool. He told his bitchy publicist to just give me his home number and I could just call whenever, you know? So I did, and we made an appointment to chat on Friday morning—8 a.m. for me, 11 a.m. for David Cross. “We're gonna fuckin' rock it!” he told me. But our interview didn't really rock it. Mostly because it was early, and I was hungover. Still, you should read it anyway. We got up really early. Cross even set his alarm. For you.

OC Weekly: Did you have any weird dreams this morning?

David Cross: Uh, yeah. I had a dream where I got married to my old college girlfriend and we had a baby and it was very precocious. But I wasn't doing enough work around the house—I wasn't cleaning enough—and it became an “issue.” I'm not really into dream analysis.

Last time we talked, I asked you who the most useless comics were, and you said Jim Belushi and directed me to your Cigar Corner on What you wrote there [Belushi being a horrible, horrible pig to a girl] had the stink of truth to it, as if it happened to a friend of yours. Has that happened to anyone you know?

Myself, I had a really bad incident with him. The guy was a total fucking asshole, like you would see in a movie. He was a total fucking prick. What I do is very passive-aggressive, not proactive. But I'm happy to do what I do the way I do it.

[It should here be noted that it is very early—8 a.m. for me, 11 a.m. for Cross—at the time of this interview.] I was just the witness to the behavior. It didn't affect me at all except to chill me to the bone and take a year off my life. Oh my god! Did you see the press conference yesterday where they asked George Bush if he took responsibility at all for the intelligence in his speech?


Oh my god! He goes, “I take responsibility for making the decision—the tough decision—to gather a coalition to go after Saddam Hussein.” Can you fucking believe that?

He took responsibility for avoiding the question!

And remembering his talking points! He almost forgot the “tough decision,” but then he remembered it!

That's one buck that stops right here!

I'm kind of hungover, and I didn't write any questions down, and I don't remember them now. Oh, I remember! When you're rich and famous, does everything in your life go right all the time?

Well, you would have to ask someone who's rich and famous. I'm certainly rich by the standards I had when I was a child. I'm still working on the drinking fountains of only chocolate milk! And a pill that makes you invisible! And I'm richer than, you know, when I was 29. I don't want to be one of those people who goes, “Oh, I'm not rich,” when they've got a mansion on a hill. I have money to dick around with and do what I want, but I don't have a fancy lifestyle. The two things I did that made a lot of money—like where you can put money in the bank—were Scary Movie and Small Soldiers, and that was like three and six years ago.

Small Soldiers was awesome. I have a nine-year-old son, so I've seen it a fucking lot.

Yeah, that's who it's for.

No, but it was great. It had a good message! You know!

[bored] Yeah.

So what's the name of your new CD? Shut Up You Fucking Baby. My girlfriend came up with the title. Is it the same girlfriend? The same hot fucking bartender?

Yeah. It's the longest relationship I've had in forever: a year and four months.

You know, you're very attractive to women. My friend Alison has a boyfriend now, so it's okay, but she almost started hyperventilating when I interviewed you last time. She freaked the fuck out!

Yeah, you know, if I was just walking down the street, and like, worked at Lucky's, I don't think chicks would want me as much.

You don't think?

No. There's something about standing on a stage and not mumbling or touching your pants because you just secretly masturbated five minutes before the show.

[I am taking a break and having a cigarette when the words “secretly masturbated five minutes before the show” snap me out of my reverie.] Did you just say “secretly masturbated five minutes before the show”?


Do people do that?

Sure! Just ask Bill Maher!


I mean, it's just a rumor! And I don't know that it's necessarily before every show! Just a nasty Hollywood rumor! [We talk about Joycelyn Elders for a while, excised, for you, the reader.]

Okay. Tell me something funny to wrap up.

I'm super excited to be in Orange County. It's truly one of my top 10 counties. And I try to play gigs based on the county. I did Irvine a long, long time ago, and people were all, “Oh, you're gonna hate it, it's conservative and white,” and I saw a lot of that but the shows were really good! My act has got much more vitriol and venom now, so it'll be like going into the lion's den. I'm a little more vindicated in the political views [like, on Iraq] I held three, six, eight months ago, so it's getting interesting watching them go on the defensive.

But we knew we'd be vindicated!

I knew we'd be vindicated in time, but I thought it'd be 10 years or a generation away. And now you watch them just lie and lie. It's great!

Okay. I have to go now. I had this horrible week, and then we had a big party for the paper last night, and I got really drunk. I needed it.

That must be great for your son.

He was at Grandma's.

Is that a euphemism?

I don't have anything funny to say to that. I'm sorry I haven't been funny.

It's okay. That's not your job!

Yeah, but a lot of the time I'm funnier than the people I interview, but not with you.

I haven't been funny once in this whole interview!

But you were very funny when I called you yesterday!

Can you reflect that somehow?

Probably not. David Cross at Irvine Improv, Irvine Spectrum, 71 Fortune Dr., No. 841, (949) 854-5455. Thurs., July 24, 8:30 p.m.; Fri., 8:30 N 10:30 p.m.; Sat., 9 N 11 p.m.; Sun., 7 p.m. $20.

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