Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Is Your Ultimate MAGA Gift From Jesus!

Christmas was made for JESUS! FOX News knows it. Evangelicals know it. Politicians who like to park behind closed restaurants and play Santa with TEENAGE GIRLS on their laps know it!

Attacks on Christmas make Jesus mad, but NASTY atheist abortionists just keep encrypting their gay agenda onto Starbucks “holiday” cups, and Jew-people keep trying to trick us into watching Fiddler On the Roofas if that’s even a thing. THEN there’s the Hollywood Elite molesters always trying to roofie some culturally sensitive ANTI-JESUS blasphemation of CHRISTmas down our throats. Thank goodness TRUE believers never swallow!

Fortunately, there’s still wholesome Christmas fare out there that won’t turn your kids into transgenders, and here’s a completely blessed and anointed breakdown of the Christian-family-friendly, KILLARY-hating, kiddie classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer—because flaunting that you’re “different” just means you hate THE LORD!

History: The first Animagic special by producers Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin Jr. premiered in 1964 and pops A LOT of boners among 4Channers, MRAs and real PATRIOTS—all of whom praise its masculinist depiction of flying father Donner as sole breadwinner and head of household. ALSO, Donner’s wife doesn’t even have a first name and is known only as “Mrs. Donner” because that’s what the BIBLE says, so FUCK YOU, Bechdel—go make me a bark-and-grass sandwich!

Christian Values: When baby Rudolph’s nose goes off like a police siren at a BLM, WHITE-GENOCIDE rally, Islam-loving, JESUS-HATING Mrs. Donner thinks they should “just overlook it” and accept Rudolph for who he is. Donner isn’t having any of that SJW bullshit, of course, and does what all good Christian fathers do: SHAME the child into hiding his abomination!

Tempted By Satan: Rudolph tries to be just one of the “locker-room-talking boys” by poking them with his stubby horns, but that’s all shot to hell when Clarice the whore shows up with her long, skanky, WANTON eyelashes and FORCES Rudolph to think impure thoughts. This is yet another example of why all females should be hidden in caves and banished from the male gaze. Besides, it’s not as if THEY need to practice reindeer games—no girls get to be on Santa’s team because HELLO, lesbians!

Republican Values: Even though Rudolph is led further astray by a faggy elf named Hermey (who quit his solid blue-collar job over IDENTITY POLITICS and plans to start some Bernie Sanders SOCIALIZED MEDICINE dentist shit in the North Pole), the two CUCKS fortunately run into a TRUE capitalist: Yukon Cornelius! A pistol-packing, self-made man hunting for silver and gold and a high return on his market share, Yukon mushes his team of dutiful hounds (that have NOT been neutered) through perilous blizzards and rules them with an iron whip because man hath dominion over every creeping thing that creepeth on the Earth. Just ask KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!

Stupid-Ass Snowflakes: There’s a crap-ton of snow in this show, but the SNOWFLAKES we’re talking about are those broken bullshit toys on MISFIT ISLAND. No, no one wants a choo choo with square fucking wheels. Where were you made, NORTH KOREA? And what kind of PC dumbass puts jelly into a water pistol? That thing’s fer BULLETS, and I have an adapter kit! All of these gay LOSERS are angling for some “SPECIAL INTEREST” privileges that have been RIGHTLY denied by Santa, and their King—a lame-ass, do-gooding Barack Hussein Obummer-wannabe lion—flies around scooping up shit toys and treating them like actual cool toys. Time to NUKE this GLOBALIST Gomorrah, STAT!

Revelations: When Rudolph finally grows a pair (of antlers) and returns home, he finds that his America-hating SOCIALISM led to his parents and slutty Clarice getting captured by the INDIGENOUS ACTIVIST Abominable Snow Monster. But, after flamin’ Hermey pulls some GUANTANAMO-style tooth-torture on the hairy heathen, all the dickweeds become heroes. At this point, the story goes full LIBTARD PROPAGANDA as COMMIE Hermey is allowed to live among normal people, the monster is handed a job that should have gone to my really tall white cousin Ron, and even Donner pusses out and apologizes to his TREE-HUGGER son!

HOWEVER . . . even though Santa is kicking Jesus in the BALLS with all of this TAKE A KNEE crap, he redeems himself when, like a TRUE CAPITALIST, he realizes that he can save his business by taking advantage of Rudolph’s retardedness and hires him to lead the team through the blizzard—and THAT is some epic TRUMPNATION COVFEFE, my friends! AH-MEN!

The Rub: In the original ending, Santa never goes back for those ILLEGAL ALIEN Misfit Toys, but a hoard of whiney-ass BETA kids cried a river of liberal tears over it and started a letter-writing campaign the next year, so, the PUSSY filmmakers caved and added a new ending in which Santa drops the shit toys down kids’ chimneys after all—totally polluting the toy gene pool and DEFINITELY causing NAFTA. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY FOREVER, BITCHES!

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