This week's featured NFL game: New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans.

New York update: It's autumn in Gotham, when a New Yorker's fancy turns from the summer whimsy of garbage strikes and race-baiting to thoughts of romance. Out in an enchanted burg locals call “Long Island,” one woman can think of nothing else. Her name is Debra DeCarlo, and rumor has it that she's spoony for one Carmine Agnello. Unfortunately for Ms. DeCarlo, Mr. Agnello is the estranged husband of Victoria Gotti, the well-known novelist and daughter of John Gotti, the well-known . . . novelist . . . What? Anyway, Ms. DeCarlo claims that she has been receiving harassing phone calls and has seen strangers watching her from parked cars. In many parts of the country, this is known as “stalking,” but in Fun City, it's called “courting.” To add to Ms. DeCarlo's problems, Mr. Agnello is in jail on charges of racketeering, extortion and tax fraud. There's even intimations that he's involved with something called “the Mafia.” Of course, as an Italian-American, I can assure you that this “Mafia” doesn't exist. It's just another sad example of racial stereotyping. Who could be responsible for something so detrimental and sly? My guess is the Jews.

Tennessee update: Favorite son Al Gore is running for president. His opponent is George W. Bush, who on Oprah last week was asked to name the best gift he ever gave. Showing his common touch, Bush said it was when he gave his wife the promenade to the Southern Methodist University library. Second choice was the time he got her a lovely pair of freeway offramps.

Dog fight: New York dancers are auditioning as ring-card girls for something called “Box Opera,” a celebrity-sparring event held at a local fight club. Matches are being set up at the moment. To kick things off, may we suggest a knife fight between Jenny Jones and Donald Trump? Who would be the winner in such a fight? The viewing public.

Consensus: While Tennessee is a nice place to start the Ku Klux Klan, we must confess to being a hopeless romantic. NOW WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE THE TAP OFF MY PHONE?! Go Giants!

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