Remote Hog

America's Got Talent
9 tonight
KNBC/Channel 4

Okay, I know this is supposed to be about shows I have watched and/or will be watching, but there is no way in hell I'm going to get within six channels of this steaming pile of Simon Cowell, just like there's no way I'd get within six channels of American Idol once I'd seen it once. Shows like these are what is wrong with America. Well, that and the foreign policy. And education system. And health-care system. And propensity to pollute. And pay-for-play political system. And the corporate stranglehold of. And . . . well, okay, a Simon Cowell game show is waaaaay down on the list of what's wrong with America—but it still makes the list, sandwiched between “obsession with Britney Spears” and “desire to drench everything in cheese.” And speaking of cheese, David Hasselhoff is one of the judges on America's Got Talent—and is there a more fittingly fucked-up choice to judge America's talent in an everything-that's-wrong-with-America way? Yes there is: Moesha or Brandy or whatever the hell she calls herself, sitting right next to Mr. H and some Simon wannabe pulled out of a British pub. Okay, so the real reason we're pointing you to this summer season premiere is Hasselhoff—hasselhoff, Hasselhoff, HASSELHOFF!!! It was only a few short years ago that members of the Weekly staff were explaining who David Hasselhoff was to our fearless, pop-culturally challenged leader Will Swaim. And now? . . . hasselhoff, Hasselhoff, HASSELHOFF!!!—dude's everywhere, from the sidelines of the NBA Finals watching his biggest fan, the Mavs' Dirk Nowitzki, to turning up in the new Sandler flick. And DH was just run through the TV infotainment ringer, fighting off litigation brought by a former wife. And Knight Rider still rides in syndication, as does Baywatch, uh, paddle in same. And I'm out! That's the extent of my Hasselhoffian knowledge. Tune in tonight and tell me what I missed tomorrow.

P.S. There is one more thing: dude is the Jerry Lewis of France in Germany—hasselhoff, Hasselhoff, HASSELHOFF!!! 

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