NBA Finals
KABC/Channel 7
6 tonight
THIS IS AN ABERRATION—and not just because the Dallas Mavericks dumped MVP Steve Nash, boast a goosestepping Lurch with a sweet jumper at center and are owned by long sleeved tee-wearing Mark Cuban, who skulks about the sidelines, flails invectives at the refs and runs up to congratulate his players during timeouts as if he thinks he's one of them. No, this series should not be happening because the fading center for the Miami Heat—Shaquille O'Neal—belongs back in Lakerland, hoisting hardware, jamming championship rings onto his Dodger Dog-sized fingers and riding shotgun with Kobe Bryant in the victory parades to Staples. Why, the NBA should have just folded up shop until Shaq and Kobe put aside their childish differences—no reconciliation, no checky. Thank the Basketball Gods that Chick Hearn jiggled his last Jell-o before having to witness this shit. We'd boycott this whole sham of a Finals if we could—but the rounds leading up to this season's last best-of-seven series have been too delicious to resist (unless you're one of those sticklers who insists on good defense and traveling calls). Besides missing the Lakers—heck, we even woulda hung with the Clippers for shits and dribbles—these Finals are without the pre-game, post-game and halftime insights of TNT's Sir Charles Barkley, the refreshingly bluntest sports commentator in showbiz. Ah, well, we'll tune in anyway since everything else is in reruns—except for Hex, which premieres at 8 tonight on BBC America. Actually, Hex is also a rerun; you just remember it as Buffy the Charmed British Vampire Slayer.

OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.