Illustration by Bob AulNow that it's raining bombs on Afghanistan and Osama bin Laden promises that more violence is coming our way, it's not exactly comforting to know that a group of scientists and the feds agreed separately on Oct. 1 that the nation's 104 nuclear power plants—including those magnificent breastices in San Onofre—are not properly protected against modern terrorist threats. Remember those stories that came out right after Sept. 11 that had plant operators reassuring us San Onofre could withstand a jetliner crash? Turns out that was total bullshit, as Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) planning never envisioned such an attack. The Massachusetts-based Union of Concerned Scientists, after examining NRC documents, says plants nationwide are unprepared for assaults not only by aircraft, but also by boats, trucks and even intruders with primo power tools. For its part, the NRC, which before Sept. 11 was planning to turn all safety and security decisions over to private plant operators, now wants the National Guard or state police patrolling those sites. Let's hope they're equipped with anti-aircraft sidearms.
HE PUT THE LOU IN LOSER Obviously unaffected by the rash of shit fellow godsicles Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson took for their homophobic comments in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks, the Reverend Lou Sheldon of the Anaheim-based Traditional Values Coalition opened his pie hole on Oct. 4 and said that gays should not receive aid from agencies assisting attack survivors. The Red Cross and other groups “should be first giving priority to those widows who were at home with their babies and those widowers who lost their wives,” Sheldon told The Washington Post. Assistance “should be given on the basis and priority of one man and one woman in a marital relationship.” Thanks to a nation that's more generous than this so-called man of God will ever be, it's pretty clear there's going to be more than enough survivor assistance to go around. In the meantime, would someone please bitch-slap this Sheldon asshole? We're so dumbfounded we're turning now to a reader cited by Michael Musto, the openly gay columnist at our New York City sister paper, The Village Voice: “A gay man helped divert one of the planes, but he wouldn't be welcomed by the armed forces. A gay man, even if HIV-negative, can't donate blood. And all the queers who lost partners during this fiasco can't file insurance claims either.” Who is it we're at war against again?
GUNSMOKE AND MIRRORS The California Rifle & Pistol Association (CRPA) thinks it knows how to fight terrorism. On Oct. 8, the Fullerton-based gun-rights group posted this message on hundreds of billboards across the state: “Society Is Safer When Criminals Don't Know Who's Armed.” Two thoughts: 1) Flying spooked the hell out of a lot of people even before Sept. 11, so by now, everyone onboard must be basket cases. Now we're supposed to arm them inside pressurized hunks of metal hurtling through the skies? B) If everyone inside the World Trade Center had been packing heat, would it have made a difference? Oh, one more thought: Do gays get guns?
WELL BLOW ME DOWN The Orange County Board of Supervisors on Oct. 2 approved doling out $300,000 for an inflatable rubber dam that will help divert polluted urban runoff in Huntington Beach. Fortunately, there are plenty of blowhards on HB's City Council at the ready to wrap their lips around the giant nozzle and inflate the dam. One question: Since the National Guard and state police are being sent to patrol not only nuclear power plants but also dams, does this mean that inflatable dolls from XXX shops will be enlisted to protect the inflatable dams? And will the gay ones get guns?
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.