Russia update: This is the opening match of the 2018 World Cup, hosted by Russia. Being the host is the only way Russia could get into the World Cup because, though they’re good atlots of team sports—hockey for one, synchronized election tampering for another—they really suck at soccer. Still, they are formidable opponents given their go-for-the-kill attitude . . . and we do mean kill given the Russian government has reportedly killed all manner of opponents with a Rasputin-like cornucopia of methods ranging from poisoning to radioactive poisoning to being impaled on a fence to staged suicides, i.e., hangings, jumps and being hit by trains. Not sure who will be in Russia’s starting lineup, but we assume Donald Trump will, once again, be carrying the water.
Saudi Arabia update: Before the Russians were puppeteering Americans with apparent immunity, it was the Saudis who did what they wanted with no consequences. You do remember that the attacks of 9/11 were organized by a Saudi, performed predominately by Saudis, all with the reported knowledge and blessing of the Saudi government, these sins of the Saudis proving so horrible and outrageous that the United States attacked Iraq. Here’s how messed-up Saudi Arabia is: The country is trumpeting its major push forward in human rights by issuing its first—FIRST—driver’s license to a woman. This at a time when women outnumber men in universities and run entire countries—well, outside of the U.S. Lock her up, eh comrade? Of course, the Saudis’ mistreatment of human beings knows no gender, the United Nations saying Saudis who “peacefully exercise their right to freedom of expression are systematically persecuted.” Something like that, let alone torture or withholding a license, could never happen here in the U.S., where we believe all people, man or woman, deserve equal access to all things. Unless you’re gay and want cake, then fuck you.
Consensus: There’s a term in soccer called “parking the bus” that refers to having all of your team stand in front and defend the goal. Since this match is being held in Russia, we’re assuming the Saudi goalkeeper will be hit by a bus, his death quickly ruled a suicide by authorities. Just to be safe, Trump will then pardon the bus.