Tennessee update: Articles of impeachment were recently introduced against Donald Trump by Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen, jolting Americans who were shocked to learn there are Cohens in Tennessee. (Who knew?) The reasons for impeachment are legion and sound—take, for instance, the day before the articles were announced, a day that featured the Attorney General of the United States trying to remember if he’d committed a whole bunch of treason (totally slipped his mind, you know how it is, what with the binge TV) and Republicans offering their version of health-care choice (i.e., if Americans want a tax cut, they’ll have to choose to give up health care and a mass shooting/killing in California, an occurrence now so commonplace that Trump tweeted his thoughts and prayers for the victims in California by cutting and pasting his thoughts and prayers for the victims of an earlier mass shooting/killing in Texas).
Indianapolis update: Oh, who the hell cares? You know what’s trending in Indianapolis right now? A McNugget fight at a McDonald’s drive-thru—Trump just tweeted his thoughts and prayers. But back to Tennessee, where Senator Bob Corker is pushing ahead with hearings set to limit Trump’s authority to use nuclear weapons. This is because of escalating tensions with North Korea, i.e., Kim Jong Un calling Trump “old” and Trump calling Kim “fat.” Look, I don’t want to be that guy, but gimme the old days when global annihilation was coming thanks to disagreements on the nature of the relationship between the individual and the state, as opposed to our present “Death By After-School Special.”
Consensus: You know how high school life has become? The balance of power in the Senate depends on whether accused child groper/molester/sexual assaulter Roy Moore is elected in Alabama. To that end, his lawyers are demanding his alleged victims turn over their high-school yearbooks. They may also demand the Pentagon Papers, i.e., term papers written by the women about the Pentagon. Have a bitchen summer! Go Titans!