INDIANAPOLIS COLTS VS. HOUSTON TEXANS
Root for: Houston. The residents of Houston have had to put up with a lot of stuff out of their control, such as catastrophic flooding from which the city is attempting to recover. Also, it’s located in Texas. Tough break, bro. Indianapolis is one of those places teeming with Bible-thumpers who want to tell everyone else how to live, somehow missing that their city is one of the most miserable—ranking high (low?) for gender equality and serious financial hardship—as well as one of the most violent. Verily, the Lord sayeth that those who live in miserable, dangerous glass houses should just shut the hell up about what the Lord sayeth.
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS VS. BALTIMORE RAVENS
Root for: Baltimore. We have nothing against Los Angeles; we’ve spent a lot of time stuck on its freeways and paid a lot of its gas taxes. . . . So, maybe we do have something against that clip joint of a traffic hole. The point is you should root for Baltimore because it’s one of those cities that everyone overlooks; it can never seem to get it together or catch a break, and no matter how hard it tries, it just knows it’s never going to happen for it. That’s right: Baltimore is you.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES VS. CHICAGO BEARS
Root for: Chicago. I’ve always told people who had never been to the Windy City that it was a cleaner, safer version of New York. Well, at least there’s less litter, so, you know, that’s something. Wait, is it? Philadelphia has always been a dimmer, darker, nastier, angrier, Cheez Whizzier version of something that at one time thought of itself and its future in higher, brighter terms, as being better, brighter and able to handle all that life sends its way. Until it found out that was all just a big pile of crap. That’s right: Philadelphia is you.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS VS. DALLAS COWBOYS
Root for: Seattle. It’s not that Dallas is hateful and ignorant and arrogant and toxic and crass and tacky; it’s that it’s all those things, plus gross and self-absorbed and clueless. And Cowboys fans are all of those things, plus deluded and insufferable and sad. We do like the blue uniforms, though, so, you know, there’s that. As for the Seahawks, we can’t help but root for a team that has as one of its most valuable players kicker Sebastian Janikowski, who is overweight, clueless about how he presents himself in public and does everything he can on the field to avoid anything approaching hard work. That’s right: Sebastian Janikowski is me.