San Francisco update: Demonstrating the kind of grace and compassion that made him Troglodyte Illustrated’s “Sad-Excuse-of-a-Man of the Year,” Donald Trump recently weighed in on California’s recent spate of devastating, deadly brush fires, which have tormented the state, including Northern California. Though scientists, you know, people who actually study this problem and know what they’re talking about, have pointed to the effects of climate change, Trump has said California’s problems are due to Californians. “Every year, it’s the same thing every year, and they don’t want to clean up their forests because they have environmental problems in cleaning it up. It should be the opposite because you’re going to lose your forests, you’re losing them.” Yes, things certainly would be different, Trump says, if his federal government were in charge of things. Now, there’s nothing new with Trump blaming the victim—it’s something he likes to call “courting”—or having no idea of what the truth is—dude wouldn’t know the truth if he was grabbing it by the crotch—so it will come as no surprise that the “incompetence” he decries in forest management has nothing to do with Californians since half of all California wild lands belong to, wait for it, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!
Arizona update: Climate change is about the globe getting hotter, and it’s hard to imagine Arizona getting any more miserably hot unless they were to dress every resident in thick wool and relocate the entire state inside a volcano, though I’m pretty sure the volcano would eventually vote to not honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. When people inevitably ask their Arizona friends, “How can you live here?” they’re not questioning their life choices, but rather making honest inquiries as to what seems the scientific impossibility of life existing in such a hot, vapid, miserable, beige space. Of course, THE RIVER!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!
Root for: San Francisco. Yeah, Trump’s comments are insensitive and stupid and cruel and in no way reflective of reality, truth or sanity—so, in keeping with everything else emanating from his hate-hole—but at least he hasn’t compounded our pain by chucking paper towels at us. That’s when things can really get ugly.