Political Football: Oakland Raiders vs. Los Angeles Chargers

Oakland update: Few cities have been as screwed over, sports-wise, as Oakland. The city had always been there for the Raiders and was repaid by the team bolting for Los Angeles. When LA decided it needed some alone time, the Raiders went back to a waiting Oakland, which stood by the team through decades worth of awfulness punctuated by being the punchline of the Tuck Rule, which unleashed the pestilence that is the New England Patriots. Speaking of disease, the Raiders are leaving again, this time for that herpes-soaked Shangri-La known as Las Vegas, a.k.a. the City That Often Seeps. Well, at least Oakland still has the NBA champion Warriors . . . wait, they’re bolting for San Francisco. Well, at least Oakland still has the A’s . . . wait, they’re being courted by interests in the Northwest. Well, at least they can forget all their problems at a nice, all-American barbecue at the park . . . wait, Oakland remains home to Jennifer Schulte, a.k.a. BBQ Becky, who called 911 because she was so terrified at the sight of black people barbecuing in a public park . . . wait, she was so terrified at the sight of black people.

Los Angeles update: If Oakland is the city that loves too much, then the Chargers are the creepy dude who shows up at your house, Xbox in hand, ready to move in because you complimented his powder-blue uniform, bitchen though it very well is. The Chargers have not exactly been lovingly embraced by the people of Los Angeles—no, they’ve pretty much been treated with disdain and suspicion, or, pretty much, the way Angelenos treat everyone, which admittedly isn’t the best way to live unless you know a lot of Catholic priests. Speaking of Catholics, Philip Rivers, the Chargers Hall of Fame-bound quarterback, is a devout Catholic, and he and his wife, Tiffany, are parents to eight kids. Having spent 12 years of my life in Catholic school back in the ’70s, I remember that we had a name for families with eight kids: small.

Root for: Oakland, while there’s still an Oakland to root for.

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