Los Angeles update: At 58, the Chargers are the middle-aged dude who leaves his wife/longtime girlfriend after misreading a bit of attention for want of a commitment. Chargers: I’m here! I left San Diego! Los Angeles: Wait. What? All I said was you look good in powder blue. Uh, I’ve aIready got something going on downtown, but you can stay in Carson. You’re cool with refinery explosions, right? Carson’s Stubhub Center, all of 27,000 seats, is a nice football stadium if the Keebler Elves owned a team. (Johnny Manziel gets a gig!) Stubhub is a twee place where you’d expect to see high school games and quinceañeras and will make for a terrific staging area when martial law is declared.
Jacksonville update: It is a fact of psycho-geography that the farther north you go in Florida, the farther South you get. Head up from jet-setting Miami, and it’s all downhill. And you can’t get much more North-South than Jacksonville, which is so close to Georgia’s border you can practically smell the willful ignorance. Jacksonville is regularly ranked as one of the most conservative areas in America, coming in just behind the Koch Brothers’ sex dungeon.
Unnecessary roughness: Jacksonville is so conservative that just this year its City Council voted to ban discrimination against gay and transgender people. The vote was hailed as “historic” in Jacksonville, while in regions rife with common decency it was called “What? You just did that now?” Mayor Lenny Curry was so thrilled with the legislation that he allowed it to become law but refused to sign it. Curry has also criticized NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem, ruing that the “Constitution protects the right for a lot of people to do a lot of stupid things.” Adding, with an oxymoronic flourish, “So I respect the wisdom of our founders.”
Consensus: As always is the case when a fella leaves home, our thoughts turn to the kids. Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers has sired eight—EIGHT!—children, and yes, he’s Catholic, and his seed is as fruitful as the Fertile Crescent. Though we’ll be rooting for the Chargers, we have a friendly word of advice for Jaguar players: wear protection.