NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VS. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Root for: Kansas City. This is where this column doesn’t live up to its original purpose of selecting rooting interests based solely on the social/political landscapes of where the teams are based. If we went with that, we’d tell you to root for the Patriots so fast it would make your angry, Catholic, You-Think-You’re-Better-Than-Me? head spin. New England is home to the Kennedys, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. Yes, it’s also home to an odd and virulent type of racism that some have said is as bad as anything found down south. Some say that’s inevitable since Boston acted as a main landing point for so many immigrant groups. Others say, “What the fuck are you looking at?” Kansas City is a southern city dressed up to look like a border town. Yes, some great jazz and barbecue have come from there, but it is also home to a kind of recognizable and virulent type of racism, as well as provided safe harbor to such miserable human miseries as Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Phil. Still, all that being said, Patriots suck.
LOS ANGELES RAMS VS. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Root for: Los Angeles. This is where we admit we know that many of the people who read this column are in Orange County. And we know that a good deal of you dislike Los Angeles with a passion—in fact, you think by residing in Orange County, you are a living affront to all things Los Angeles. It’s so cute you think that, but the next time you’re sitting on one of the lugubrious freeways that surround the county, let it run through your mind that you have become Los Angeles, destroyer of hope. Traffic? Check. High crime, usually perpetrated by the police? Check. Democrat domination of congressional delegations? Well, no. This is where you are different than Los Angeles because Los Angeles actually has a Republican representing part of it. Orange County, you, on the other hand, are all blue. Good on ya, comrade. It’s time you embrace your inner—and outer—Los Angeles, and you can start by cheering for the team that used to call Orange County home. You know, just like you did before you became LA.