Political Football: Indiana Colts (2-6) vs. Houston Texans (3-4)

Indianapolis Update: The Colts are Indiana’s team, just as Mike Pence was its governor before he and Russian Funboy Donald Trump were swept into office by getting 2,864,974 less votes than their opponents. Pence’s main value is as an Impeachment Cooler since his extreme views—he opposed federal funding for treating people with HIV and AIDS unless the government also paid to discourage same-sex relationships; as governor, he closed so many Planned Parenthood clinics it triggered an HIV epidemic in at least one county—freak out people, though they’re seen as common-sense solutions in Indiana, where the Klan found its greatest support and where The Handmaid’s Tale is viewed as aspirational television.

Houston Update: Texans owner Bob McNair, who donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural committee, called Trump’s statement that NFL players were sons of bitches for kneeling during the national anthem “divisive and counterproductive.” McNair took a more nuanced approach by saying that listening to players’ reasons for kneeling amounted to “inmates running the prison.” Texans players showed their commitment to social justice by taking a knee a few days after McNair’s comments. The day after Houston Astros first baseman Yuri Gurriel mocked Asians by slanting his eyes in the dugout, Houston residents showed their commitment to social justice by giving him a rousing, standing ovation.

Team Colors: Indiana consistently ranks near the bottom in “happiness” surveys, probably because residents struggle with the state’s changing demographics, which have shifted wildly from “ultra-white” (91 percent in 1990) to simply “blindingly” (87 percent) today.

Ground Game: Houston is located in Texas. The state of Texas. We’re just going to let that one sink in.

Consensus: By some cosmic fluke that could have only been dreamt up by Kurt Vonnegut, Indianapolis was the childhood home of Kurt Vonnegut—who fled to Chicago the first chance he got—and so it goes. Love Vonnegut. Plus, Texas. Go Colts!

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