Dallas update: Perpetual fear machine/North Korean News Service groupies, FOX News has your Pop-Pop all upset that the good people of Texas are about to be inundated/attacked by a migrant caravan portrayed as one-part Hannibal’s army and one-part disease parade. Of course, the only thing FOX News hates more than diseased migrants is actual facts about those people, the facts being that the Million Migrant March has dwindled to about 3,500 tired, hungry people, nearly three-quarters of which are children. As for the diseases they carry, specifically small pox, which keeps getting bandied about, yeah, that was eradicated nearly 40 years ago. Of course, Pop-Pop sees the dark and sinister hand of George Soros in all of this, and he’s grateful his president is sending the troops down to the border—a whooooole bunch of troops if Donald Trump has his way. See, because ol’ Draft Dodger Donnie has a feeling deep in his bone spurs that trouble is afoot. That’s why he wants to give the troops the okay to shoot at anyone throwing a rock because he considers a rock a deadly weapon. You know what he doesn’t consider a deadly weapon? A gun.
Philadelphia update: The thing about Philadelphia is, it’s not as Philadelphia as you think. Yes, it booed Santa Claus, and yes, its cultural currency runs the gamut of sandwiches and sandwiches with Cheez Whiz, but that’s really unfair to the city that is somewhat less horrible than you think. First off, Philadelphia actually has a rich history of firsts: first newspaper, first zoo, first medical school. In fact, did you know that one out of every six doctors in the U.S. are trained in Philly—which probably explains why so many MDs answer patients’ questions with “Diagnosis? Yeah, I think you got a bad case of the Shut The Fuck Ups!” Pop-Pop’s favorite Philadelphia product is Bill Cosby, who he thinks put the young people in their place, especially those punks with their pants and their talking music. Where can you go see Bill Cosby? Does he ever play Branson? Oh, Pop-Pop.
Root for: Philadelphia. And tell Pop-Pop if he’s concerned about disease, he should forget migrants and worry about (Jenny) McCarthy.