Chicago update: The Bears go into Detroit for this traditional Thanksgiving game, Thanksgiving being that time when we count our blessings, one of them being that, except for Turkey Day, we don’t have to regularly interact with Uncle Sal who really wants to tell us that all those Mexican kids separated from their immigrant parents were, in fact, Mexican midgets dressed up as tots. I have actually had this conversation with an elderly family member, a wonderful, loving person who somehow gets whipped into a panicked frenzy when presented with the video opioid that is FOX News. I didn’t think a Thanksgiving could get worse than the 2016 version immediately after Trump was elected with 3 million fewer votes than his opponent, but given the recent results of the midterms and the fact the First Lady is now making foreign-policy decisions, I’m thinking things could heat up. I’d advise watching football to divert attention and discussion, or, if so inclined, tune into the Hallmark Channel to watch wall-to-wall Christmas movies. That is, unless someone has a problem with Santa outsourcing his elf work to a lot of midgets with Spanish surnames.
Detroit update: Speaking of outsourcing, Detroit kind of wrote the book on that, setting in motion its demise. We keep hearing how the Motor City is making a comeback, but I’ll reserve judgment until the place goes a full year without its tap water spontaneously combusting. Crazy. You know what else is crazy? Dana Rohrbacher lost. I mean, I know you know this, but we haven’t had a chance to talk since this happened and I, I, I . . . I don’t know if you know this, but I used to work at OC Weekly, and Rohrabacher was just a given, like bad water in Detroit or STDs. Actually, an STD is an apt description of Rohrabacher because it seemed that bad decisions—whether his or the electorates—only seemed to make him stronger.
Root for: Detroit. Man, can you imagine what Thanksgiving is going be like at the Rohrabacher house? Conspiracies? Like your hanging out with Roger Stone at Sly Stone’s. So, so, so many mentions of Mexican midgets and R. Scott Moxley. Hi, Scotty!