Part 12: Farewell

Photo by Jack GouldSWAIM: Well, that's our show. [Sentimental music rises like a bitter sweet memory.] SWAIM [continues, wiping away a tear with his tuxedo sleeve]: You know, we've shared a few laughs and a few tears tonight. But I'd like also to think we learned some things. We learned that it doesn't matter whether you win or lose—what really matters is that you win. [Applause.] SWAIM: We learned that Belgians are not fireproof—that any person, especially a person who can't swim, will not be transformed into a mystical mer-person by the magic that is our dolphin brethren, especially after being thrown off the end of a pier with plastic weights tied to their extremities. [Whistling.] SWAIM: We learned that an Oldham coupling is a coupling permitting misalignment of the shafts connected. [Ooohs and aaahs punctuated by a man shouting, “Yes!”] SWAIM: Perhaps most important, we learned that pregnancy is the worst thing that can ever happen to a woman and that it must be stamped out in our lifetime! [Thunderous applause.] SWAIM: Thank you. I'd like to recognize once again every person, business and post office mentioned in the show and congratulate them on their accomplishments. I'd also like to thank all of our sponsors you've seen through out the show, and I encourage you to patronize them; you know, say things like “Dumb? Oh, I don't think you're dumb, per se,” and “Your hair looks good that way.” Things like that. Also buy stuff from them. Lots of stuff. Especially if it's made of Space Age polymers. You know, I've got a funny story about Space Age polymers. It seems a priest, two Filipino nurses and David Hasselhoff walk into a store that sells discount Space Age polymers when . . . [Orchestra starts to play. Music gradually swells.] SWAIM [attempting to shout over the music]: What the . . . I said a priest, two Filipino nurses and David Hasselhoff . . . Hey, will you guys shut up?! Will someone make them shut up? SCHULLER!!! [The Reverend Schuller appears onstage, dazed, his clothes drenched, seaweed hanging off him with plastic weights dangling from his extremities.] SWAIM [after looking at Schuller for a long time]: Never mind. [Swaim walks offstage, leaving Schuller looking lost, staring out into the audience.] SCHULLER [exhausted]: . . . Hi-yah . . . After the 55th Annual Best of OC Awards, be sure to watch The Very Special Schoenkopf Interview!

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