Our CliffsNotes Version of the 2013 Grammy Awards

So everyone's talking about the Grammys, and you didn't watch [it all] last night. Well, slacker, here's a little guide to get you by so you can join the conversation. Be sure to check the complete winners' list on page two.

Our favorite moments:
–Nate Ruess (from the band fun.) pulling a Forrest Gump by saying he needed to pee on national television during his acceptance speech. We think he should have at least scurried offstage to be more theatrical.
–Prince sauntering onstage wearing his signature dark glasses and carrying a cane. (He looked like a blind man.) We really enjoyed watching the celeb-filled audience cream their pants when they saw him.
–Kelly Clarkson's acceptance speech; it sounded akin to something Britney Spears would say after a night of dancing on a bar: “Miguel, I don't know who the hell you are, but we need to sing together. I mean, good god, that was the sexiest damn thing I've ever seen. What? Anyway, thank you so much . . .” [actual Clarkson quotation].
–Taylor Swift won our Most Enthusiastic Spectator Award. She was dancing in her seat all night long and singing along with the performers. How refreshingly obnoxious.

-Record of the Year: “Somebody That I Used to Know,” Gotye, featuring Kimbra

-Album of the Year: Babel, Mumford & Sons

-Song of the Year: “We Are Young,” fun.

-New Artist: fun.

-Pop Solo Performance: “Set Fire to the Rain (Live),” Adele

-Pop Vocal Album: Stronger, Kelly Clarkson

-Pop Duo/Group Performance: “Somebody That I Used to Know,” Gotye, featuring Kimbra

-Traditional Pop Vocal Album: Kisses On the Bottom, Paul McCartney

-Rap Performance: “N****s In Paris,” Jay-Z and Kanye West

-Rap Song: “Niggas In Paris,” Shawn Carter, Mike Dean, Chauncey Hollis, Kanye West

-Rap/Sung Collaboration: “No Church In the Wild,” Jay-Z and Kanye West, featuring Frank Ocean and The-Dream

-Rap Album: Take Care, Drake

-R&B Performance: “Climax,” Usher

-Traditional R&B Performance: “Love On Top,” Beyonce

-R&B Song: “Adorn,” Miguel Pimentel

-R&B Album: Black Radio, Robert Glasper Experiment

-Urban Contemporary Album: Channel Orange, Frank Ocean

-Rock Performance: “Lonely Boy,” The Black Keys

-Rock Song: “Lonely Boy,” The Black Keys

-Rock Album: El Camino, The Black Keys

-Hard Rock/Metal Performance: “Love Bites (So Do I),” Halestorm

-Alternative Music Album: Making Mirrors, Gotye

-Dance Recording: “Bangarang,” Skrillex, featuring Sirah

-Dance/Electronica Album: Bangarang, Skrillex

-Latin Pop Album: MTV Unplugged Deluxe Edition, Juanes

-Latin Rock, Urban or Alternative Album: Imaginares, Quetzal

-Latin Jazz Album: Ritmo!, The Clare Fisher Latin Jazz Big Band

-Tropical Latin Album: Retro, Marlow Rosado y la Riquena

-Country Solo Performance: “Blown Away,” Carrie Underwood

-Country Duo/Group Performance: “Pontoon,” Little Big Town

-Country Song: “Blown Away,” Josh Kear and Chris Tompkins

-Country Album: Uncaged, Zac Brown Band

-Gospel Song: “Go Get It,” Mary Mary

-Gospel Album: Gravity, Leerae

-Blues Album: Locked Down, Dr. John

-Folk Album: The Goat Rodeo Sessions, Yo-Yo Ma, Stuart Duncan, Edgar Meyer and Chris Thile

-Americana Album: Slipstream, Bonnie Raitt

-Bluegrass Album: Nobody Knows You, Steep Canyon Rangers

-Reggae Album: Rebirth, Jimmy Cliff

-World Music Album: The Living Room Sessions Part 1, Ravi Shankar

-Children's Album: Can You Canoe?, The Okee Dokee Brothers

-Spoken-Word Album: Society's Child: My Autobiography, Janis Ian

-Comedy Album: Blow Your Pants Off, Jimmy Fallon

-New Age Album: Echoes of Love, Omar Akram

-Jazz Vocal Album: Radio Music Society, Esperanza Spalding

-Jazz Instrumental Album: Unity Band, Pat Metheny Unity Band

-Large Jazz-Ensemble Album: Dear Diz (Every Day I Think of You), Arturo Sandoval

-Pop Instrumental Album: Impressions, Chris Botti.

-Compilation Soundtrack Album: Midnight In Paris, various artists

-Score Soundtrack Album: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

-Song Written for Visual Media: “Safe & Sound” (From The Hunger Games), Taylor Swift, John Paul White and Joy Williams

-Musical-Theater Album: Once: A New Musical, Steve Kazee and Cristin Milioti

-Producer of the Year, Classical: Blanton Alspaugh

-Producer of the Year, Non-Classical: Dan Auerbach

-Instrumental Composition: “Mozart Goes Dancing,” Chick Corea

-Orchestral Performance: “Adams: Harmonielehre & Short Ride In a
Fast Machine,” Michael Tilson Thomas (San Francisco Symphony)

-Opera Recording: “Wagner, Der Ring des Nibelungen,” James Levine and Fabio Luisi

-Choral Performance: “Life & Breath: Choral Works by Rene Clausen,” Charles Bruffy

-Short-Form Music Video: “We Found Love,” Rihanna, featuring Calvin Harris

-Long-form music video: “Big Easy Express,” Mumford & Sons

-Historical Album: The Smile Sessions (Deluxe Box Set), Alan Boyd, Mark Linett, Brian Wilson and Dennis Wolfe