Nut Quesadilla

Illustration by Bob AulTo the pseudo-blonde at Baja Fresh: thanks for the freak show. I don't eat there often, but I bet you do, given the ritualistic/ obsessive nature of your consumption: 1) grab 15 to 20 napkins; 2) take them to your table, laying one out in a narrow band across the table's center; 3) head to salsa bar and fill two salsa cups with as much pico de gallo as possible, rounding the tops like ice cream cones; 4) place salsa cups carefully onto spread napkin; 5) return for another heaping serving of pico de gallo and a cup of green salsa; 6) place on napkin; 7) return for two more cups of salsa; 8) having run out of space on salsa napkin, reluctantly put them on table; 9) fill large plastic sports cup with soda; 10) pick up quesadilla at counter; 11) eat meal with sour expression on face, occasionally glancing around nervously. Near the end of your performance, I was on the edge of my seat—would you take the 12 remaining napkins and three untouched salsa cups to the car with your soda refill? Nope. You slid all those folded napkins and untouched food off your tray and unceremoniously into the garbage. That's freedom and prosperity, American-style!

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