Newport Beach resident and basketball superstar Kobe Bryant finds himself in hot water as rape charges are filed against him by a 19-year-old woman who claims that Bryant had assaulted her in a hotel room where he was staying while undergoing knee surgery. Bryant denies the rape, but does own up to engaging in intercourse with the woman, and promptly purchases his wife the biggest goddamn diamond ring you've ever seen. Indignant Lakers fans, incensed that their hero was being accused of this heinous crime, insist that only a fool would complain about the bestowing of St. Kobe's affections, not to mention man jelly. After all, not only does he have a mean jump shot, but he also possesses tremendous cheekbones and limpid brown eyes so deep and gentle that one look upon them rendered even Chick Hearn speechless with passion. The criminal charges are dropped the next year after Bryant issues an apology in which he insists he believed the sex was consensual, but acknowledged that the woman had a different point of view. Bryant's dick subsequently remains appropriately in his baggy Nike b-ball shorts.
