Treat Or . . . Trick!
CanNt find a costume slutty enough? Let us dress you up as OCNs Scariest People!
If youNre like us, youNve been looking through the seemingly endless variety of skimpy, tight, campy Halloween costumes offered in catalogs and superstores, and nothing has really jumped out at you. YouNre saying to yourself, “Why canNt I find something to wear this spooky season thatNs cut down to my you-know-where, hemmed up to my other you-know-where, and yet makes a trenchant, hilariously ironic satirical statement about a controversial local figure ripped from todayNs headlines?”
Well, look no further. Our annual OCNs Scariest People issue is just as chock-full of vilified villains as ever—only this time, theyNre showing just a little bit more skin. So browse through our catalog of whorish horrors. YouNre sure to find a costume youNll love of someone you hate.
#OC01: Slutty Real Housewife
A plunging neckline, tummy-tightening waist section and ass-raising bottom turn this gold-digger party dress into the perfect lure for the eye of any shuffling, legally blind, dentures-wearing divorcee/widower/married bazillionaire youNre trying to catch at the Balboa Bay Club Halloween Party. Modeled after The Real Housewives of Orange CountyNs Gretchen Rossi, the costume also features a fabric hook that can be clamped onto a bathroom door to prevent the exit of a friendNs 20-year-old son/sugar daddyNs grandson/landscaper youNre trying to secretly boink on the side. Price: Half. At least.
#OC02: Slutty Assemblyman
We found a crate of Boss Hogg costumes lying around and thought theyNd never return to style. But then we got to know OCNs own ex-state Assemblyman Mike Duvall—really got to know him. Put on this all-white, pre-soiled cotton suit; slick back your hair; plunge a fat cigar into your mouth; and smile while cockily barking bigoted statements. Of course, the Duvall costume wouldnNt be complete without the final touch: graphically informing the candy givers how you like to spank female lobbyists and make them dripping-wet. (All into the enclosed microphone, of course.) Price: $45 (less than a Harbor Boulevard blowjob!).
#OC03: Slutty Lobbyist
Our Sacramento-lobbyist costume isnNt just about tight-fitting skirts, see-through blouses, high heels and pliable ethical standards—although they are essential. You canNt complete your mission if you donNt carry a clipboard to track the legislative favors youNre seeking, a key to a Hyatt Hotel room and our exclusive, Dana Rohrabacher-endorsed edition of How to Get Your Way With Fat, Ugly, Corrupt Republican Politicians Without Really Trying. Price: One quid per pro quo.
#OC04: Slutty Congresswoman
Be an OC GOP-erNs wet-dream-of-a-nightmare by dressing as a triple threat: an elected Latina Democrat! Set tongues wagging by handing out Christmas-in-October cards, starring you and your exasperated-looking cat. To get the full effect, be sure to constantly boast about how light your skin is. No experience in politics? No problem—Loretta Sanchez didnNt have any, either! Price: $2,400 maximum individual donation.
#OC05: Slutty White Supremacist
Do you have a shaved head? Check. Tattoos of SS lightning bolts, swastikas and other Nazi symbols? Check. The inability to properly speak any language? Check. Are you mentally blocked from telling right from wrong? Check. Do you snarl at everyone and everything, even a McDonaldNs drive-through order box? Check. Thrive on racial superiority but havenNt read a book since the second grade? Check. Well, then you already are convicted killer Billy Joe Johnson or one of his closest pals. You wonNt be needing our costume. Price: The business card of a good bail bondsman.
#OC06: Slutty Football Player
Put on this fabulous, sexy-abs-exposing half-jersey from the Santa Ana City College Dons football team to become real-life horror characters. Michael Alexander Clemmons pleaded guilty to multiple felony counts in the rape and sexual penetration by foreign object of an intoxicated 18-year-old woman in a Tustin motel in July 2008. Luster Mitchell Lewis, a fellow Don, is answering to the same charges. With a third man, John Paul Foster II of Seaside, who has been found guilty, they were identified thanks to a video they shot of the sick crime. If you reverse the shirt, it becomes the half-jersey of the Corona del Mar High School Sea Kings football team, which the same season included three varsity players who posted a video on a fourth boyNs page on the public schoolNs Facebook account describing how and where they would rape a then-16-year-old girl before disclosing the manner in which they would shoot her to death. Her offense to them: having expressed disappointment that the school drama departmentNs production of the musical Rent had been canceled. The videotaped threats forced her to change her daily routine, switch classes and take other precautions to avoid contact with those whoNd threatened to rape and kill her. The Sea Kings players escaped discipline from the school, Newport Beach Police and the Orange County district attorneyNs office, and about a month after the video was posted, they received honors for their athletic prowess. Now thatNs scary! Price: Any shred of dignity you might find lying around.
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#OC07-08: Slutty Birthers
Patriot ladies: Bleach your hair, brush your eyelashes and put on our “Is It Safe?” white dentistNs coat! Patriot men: Strap on those suspenders and pick up our special, amended Ten Commandments, sans the whole thou-shalt-not-kill thing! Anyone who knows the spookiest thing around is the Kenyan Fraud Muslim Indonesian Maybe Canadian Arrogant Jerk Usurper In the White House knows that Orange CountyNs own Dr. Orly Taitz, Esquire, and the Reverend Wiley Drake are two of the most pivotal freedom fighters in the movement to get the Big Obummer thrown in jail—or at least deported. Whether in an alluring Moldovan trill or a relatable preacherNs drawl, spend this Halloween treating your friends to speeches about the big trick played on America: Barry Soetoro, a.k.a. Barack Hussein Obama, isnNt eligible to be president, even if all the evidence says he is. After all, just look at him! Price: $20,000 in court sanctions.
#OC09: Slutty Multimom
An unprecedented partnership between house of snob BlasN Couture and Omar the Tent Maker has resulted in this one-size-fits-all maternity costume aimed at the trick-or-treater itching to portray a single baby-maker who abuses sanity, decorum, family medicine, government resources and the laws of gravity to get shot up with fertility drugs to produce giant litters and reality-television ratings. But you donNt have to be La HabraNs Nadya Suleman to get the most out of this 95 percent rayon/110 percent spandex garment—although it wouldnNt hurt to be an equally needy publicity hound. ThatNs because when you push on the belly, plastic baby dolls plop onto the floor while a crane arm holding a camcorder pops out of the back, snakes over the top of your enormous melon and focuses the worldNs attention where it always belongs: on you, big momma! Price: A reality-show contract? Please? Anyone?
#OC10: Slutty Ketchup Thief
Available to the public for the first time courtesy of our friends at the Partnership, this mysteriously hip costume isnNt just for Halloween—itNs for every day of the year! Choose between two pieces of headgear: a black beanie with plastic sunglasses, or an Italian bike-racing cap with eyeglasses that have clip-on shades you can flip up and down, depending on your mood. Rounding out the costume is a Johnny Cash At Folsom Prison T-shirt and a pair of raggedy jeans tapered at the cuff for better pedaling action. (Ten-speed bicycle not included.) But when people open the door for you on Halloween, please, please donNt walk into their houses and try to “recycle” their used bottles of ketchup, okay? Just take our word for it. Price: Five rolls of Kodak film and a Smokecraft sausage.
#OC11: Slutty Sheriff
Sheriff Sandra Hutchens may look adorable and buttoned-up in her institutional olive-green uniform and cap, but that lethal, automatic bulge on her hip doesnNt necessarily mean sheNs happy to see you. Our far-less-demure sheriffNs costume comes with supplemental items such as a BlackBerry (to send gossip to fellow cops), an index card with a Ronald Reagan quote (to remind you of your political loyalties) and a pen that conceals a camera (for those moments when you want to secretly videotape the folks giving you candy). You never know, some of them could be ripe for deportation. Price: Whatever political capital you can spare.
#OC12: Slutty Priest
A perennial favorite at Diocese of Orange parties! This year, the pedo-padre to emulate is Luis Eduardo Ramirez, caught trying to seduce a teenage boy in an Anaheim no-tell motel; he served six months before violating his parole and is currently serving three more. Comes with boy underneath the cassock, margarita mix and a torn-up copy of the Diocese of OrangeNs Covenant With the Faithful. Sorry, no get-out-of-jail free card as in years past, alas, but youNll still have plenty of apologists! Price: The trust of millions.
#OC13: Slutty Informant
Amuse and delight your friends with this hilarious con-artist get-up, while at the same time getting paid by the FBI to incite Muslim Americans to commit acts of terror! Each costume includes Craig Monteilh-inspired white skullcap to cover your hairless head and an oversized tunic to disguise your bulging musculature and the wire taped to your chest. Special bonus items: extensive rap sheet complete with con-artist convictions, plastic Junior G-man badge, and FBI-approved CliffsNote copies of both The Koran for Dummies and The IdiotNs Guide to Counterterrorism. Price: How low can you go?
#OC14: Slutty Ex-Cop
Ruin the Halloween soiree of your choice with this fun party-crasher costume courtesy of the Garden Grove Police Department, which doesnNt need it anymore, since the officer who used to wear it, Oomar Patel, doesnNt work there anymore. This authentic, standard-issue patrolmenNs uniform comes in one size only (small, but with a big ego) and is complemented by a half-used can of pepper spray. When you press the button, a prerecorded message blurts out, “Stop, or INll make an ass of myself!” Also included is a biodegradable birthday-cake mask—some assembly required before you plant your face in it. Price: Six-figure brutality settlement (donNt worry—itNs paid for by city taxpayers).
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#OC15: Slutty Teabagger
FREEEEEDOM! ItNs what all Jesus-fearing, crimson-blooded Americans—as in the former Confederate States of America, plus Orange County—crave. And nothing says FREEEEEDOM! like the garb of our Revolutionary forefathers. Why so boiled up like that steaming kettle whose tea bag you swiped? Some might say itNs the deficit, and some might say itNs the taxes, but those have been high for a while now. The simple fact is youNve always been a radical, but 2009Ns the first year youNve felt like the big, dark, black, oppressive, really-really-black jackboot of Big Government was Treading On You. So this Halloween, show your patriotism—and a little leg! Worked for Sarah Palin! Oh, wait . . . Price: Two tea bags.
#OC16: Slutty Lawyer
This one is always topical. This scary season, thank Costa MesaNs Jim Toledano for giving you the opportunity to wear what looks like your natty Sunday best for trick-or-treating. Police arrested the former chairman of the Orange County Democratic Party and a lawyer this year on extortion charges involving a gay Corona del Mar trainer and a wealthy couple who claim they were blackmailed over sex. The only problem: Because of Joe CavalloNs particularly shameless performance defending the Haidl Gang Rapists, weNre out of stock of this costume, but we still sell the mandatory accessory: three half-hour lessons in arrogance and a manual for stupidity. Price: A gym bag full of cash.
#OC17-18: Slutty Sports Power Couple
The family that prays together stays together, even if one is an admitted adulterer and the other an infamous terrorizer of underlings. Be like Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, and strike fear in the heart of every slow-footed b-baller, two-timing blonde and underachieving teammate. (Comes with Lakers jersey and tacky tattoo; you provide the permanent scowl.) The ladies can also try to match Vanessa Laine BryantNs infamous temper, accessorized with our million-dollar ring, Forever 21 knock-offs and bag of dog shit (yes, based on that time Vanessa, as spelled out in a civil lawsuit filed in Orange County Superior Court, forced Maria Jimenez to dig through a bag of puppy poop for a price tag). Price: One bottle of hand sanitizer.
#OC19-20: Slutty Know-Nothings
The match made in hell: Jeff Schwilk and Barbara Coe. The latter (costume comes with faded baseball cap, American-flag jacket, white-haired mop-top wig, cigarette glued to lip, laptop) is the godmother of the modern-day Know-Nothing movement. The former (costume includes faded baseball cap, bullhorn, bikini briefs, laptop) is an Orange County native who heads the San Diego Minuteman (SDMM) and was the subject of a successful defamation lawsuit that claimed Schwilk allowed other SDMM members to post pictures of an pro-amnesty activist that referred to her as a “Korean anorexic ACLU slut” and claimed she enjoyed “brown schlong.” Schwilk has learned well from Coe, who in the past year alone on her California Coalition for Immigration Reform e-mail list has claimed President Barack Obama is “worse, much worse” than Hitler, wished the swine flu on him, cast doubts about his Hawaii birth AND told members cell phones pop corn kernels. Want to scare your Mexican neighbors? These costumes will do a better job than la migra! Price: A hill of frijoles!
#OC21: Slutty Ex-Sheriff
Want to trick-or-treat as something really frightening? Dress in our new Mike Carona prison costume! Inspired by our dirty ex-sheriff-turned-convicted felon, the outfit consists of sleek, form-fitting, orange, prison jump suit that is stamped—for added authenticity—with CaronaNs Federal Bureau of Prisons-issued inmate number (45335-112). To complete the look, hold a Bible in one hand and a Kleenex in the other while weeping uncontrollably as you ask for candy. In exchange for the goodies you receive, hand out badges and concealed-weapon permits—but tell people to watch out for your friend in the Slutty Sheriff costume. SheNll take those away in a heartbeat! Price: One alleged ride on a fancy-ass boat.
#OC22: Slutty Real-Estate Mogul
After spending decades seeding the land with same-looking tract homes, what does the successful developer do? If youNre looking to be Don Bren, screw your children over in family court! BrenNs secrecy over his true worth is legendary—legendary enough that his lawyers pop up in court every couple of years to argue heNs not like everyone else and thus deserves his true worth to be a secret as well-kept as the real reason Orange County Register columnist Frank Mickadeit decided to enter law school! Costume includes a nondisclosure form, spray tan and a child-support stub. Condoms not included, but you get your choice of undevelopable land perfect for a tax-break donation, or your name on the UC Irvine building of your choice! Price: Privatized gain, socialized loss.
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#OC23: Slutty DA
Government employees donNt have to be bland, and neither does your Halloween. We know this thanks to Susan Kang Schroeder, the Hummer/Porsche/Ferrari-driving spokeswoman for District Attorney Tony Rackauckas. Schroeder long ago inspired our No. 1-selling R-rated costume. We call it the “Walk Loudly and Carry a Big Stick.” The 6-inch-heeled, knee-length, black boots with steel bottoms ensure no one will miss your arrival in the awe-inspiring, red-rubber dominatrix getup. The stick youNll carry is our 12-inch Rackauckas blow-up doll that, when squeezed, shouts, “Indict him!” as well as “Indict her!” and “Whatever Susan says!” (Bonus tip: Dress up a partner as her husband. Just look in any Star Wars costume catalog—and we ainNt talkinN about Yoda.) Price: If you have to ask, you canNt afford it.
Photos N styling by Star Foreman • Makeup N hair by Autumn Sanders
Models: Ginger Pullman, Chad Coe, Lacey Anzelc
Sheriff, Birther and Teabagger costumes provided by
Beverly Hills Hosiery, 801 S. Los Angeles St., Los Angeles
