Illustration by Bob AulYeah, you: my idiot neighbor who called 911 reporting a lost child. This child was carrying a morning newspaper he likes to get for me each day and lives 30 feet from the house you live in. Granted the little guy (he's an active two-year-old) got away from me and I went looking for him in the opposite direction. But getting your inbred-looking ass off the porch and maybe looking around to see if someone might be looking for him before you call 911 just didn't enter that “sharp as a marble” mind of yours. This whole ordeal lasted five minutes at the most, and calling 911 was the best you can do? Law enforcement wants guys like you who are quick thinkers in crisis situations such as this. Oh, that's right: you are in law enforcement! Being off-duty and acting the way you did must have made the on-duty officers who responded to your emergency call proud to be wearing the uniform. I guess I should be grateful you didn't shoot the little guy for trespassing. Thank you for making the community a safer place.

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