It's the biggest hangout in history. People from across the globe login for laughs, networking, hooking up or to stalk that hottie you had a crush on in high school. It's a fantastic time drain–and real easy to make an utter ass of yourself. Here are 20 guidelines you might to consider before your next visit to FB.
1. Don't be too honest when responding to, “What's on your mind?” People get weirded out when they read you're, “Wondering if it's all really worth it.”
2. Don't FB when breaking an appointment. Same goes for ditching a date or when you just missed your second deadline extension. If you called in sick to work post something about how shitty you feel and then go offline.
3. Don't conduct business on FB. Not interested in your pyramid scheme, pal.
4. Don't forget to log out when using the community computer. The temptation to make dramatic changes to the “what's on your mind,” “interests” and “about me” sections might just prove too much for the next user.
5. Don't FB when burglarizing. Seriously, it got this idiot busted.
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6. Don't forget FB when you need an alibi. “Where's my pancakes” status update saved a Harlem man from going down for a crime he didn't commit.
7. Don't Instant Message the same non-responsive person more than once. She doesn't feel like chatting. Get over it.
8. Don't send more than one “fan” request to same person. Dude, not everyone is into your death metal band.
9. Don't use FB to cheat. You really didn't think suspicious significant other would figure out the password you've been using for everything since freshman year of college?
10. Don't use more than one emoticon per post. No matter how adorable and intelligent you are, a post like this makes you look silly:”Can't wait to see ya : ) love you bff =) were gonna get wild ;)!!!”
11. Don't talk trash about a mutual “friend” on somebody's wall. Facebook is a small, small world after all.
12-15. Don't refer to yourself in the third person, give yourself an FB nickname, share what you're eating/drinking more than once per week and never use the phrase “just sayin.'” An actual post, with name changed to protect the guilty: “FB Abuser is relaxing at home watching House and cooking some pasta where seeing the normal FB Abuser sauce isn't available Chef [insert FB Abuser's goofy alias] made a Bertolli/Chardonnay sauce with chicken. I'm not going to lie this looks pretty damn good. I'm just sayin.” You Do Not want to be this person.
16. Don't use all caps. Ever. IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING.
17. Careful joking with people you don't know personally. Humor doesn't always translate to a 20-word comment.
18. Don't comment on religion, politic or moms–unless she's really hot. Ranting about the latest hot button issue is an outstanding way to piss off friends, family, clients and potential bosses.
19. Don't offer more than two personal musings per day. Your thoughts probably aren't as interesting as you think.
20. Don't Facebook drunk. Take that third martini and walk away from the computer.
