Disney gave three big wigs from Marvel Studios' in-house marketing department their walking papers earlier this week.
Why? BECAUSE THEY CAN!
Check out a few “What If?” battle scenarios between Disney and Marvel after the jump! Oh yeah, and find out who got fired, too.
Disney fired three Marvel marketing muckety-mucks on Monday, including Dana Precious (EVP of Worldwide Marketing), Jeffrey Stewart (VP of
Worldwide Marketing) and Jodi Miller (Manager of Worldwide Marketing). The firings represent Marvel's entire west-coast marketing
department; their New York City-based publishing operations remain unaffected.
The news didn't come as much of a surprise as many positions became redundant when
Disney purchased Marvel in 2009. Insiders were quoted as saying that those who were let go “were not
well-loved” by Disney and Marvel execs. Ouch.
Now, with all of that boring news (and by “news” I mean “Hollywood gossip drivel”) out of the way, let's get down the fun stuff!
Check out these five hypothetical Disney/Marvel battles to the death; I've even gone ahead and added my useless two cents on who I see emerging victorious! Dig it!
5. Doctor Octopus vs. Ursula
This one easily goes to Ursula. Sure, Doc Ock has his super-metal awesome arms (or whatever they're called), but since this battle would take place under da sea (because I said so), I'm assuming those super-metal awesome arms would quickly rust, therefore giving Ursula and her electric eel buddies an advantage. That, and Doctor Octopus always looked like a sad-ass Roy Orbison rip-off, and there's no doubt in my mind who would win in an Ursula vs. Roy Orbison battle to the death. The Caruso of Rock (look it up) would be cry-aye-ing over his defeat. Of course, if he had the Traveling Wilburys backing that ass up, that might be a different story.
4. Iron Man vs. Wall-E
It's true that Iron Man is far more qualified to fight in a battle to the death than Wall-E, especially when you consider the fact that Wall-E is a rolling trash compactor. But two factors will affect the outcome of this match up. First, Iron Man has one huge disadvantage over Wall-E: alcoholism. Even if Tony Stark were able to roll his liquor-riddled corpse out of bed, he definitely wouldn't be able to suit up properly. But also, Wall-E has a huge advantage: Wall-E is fucking adorable. Even if Iron Man were able to make it to the battle in one piece, all Wall-E would have to do is say his name once and Tony Stark would be crying like a chick with big hair watching “Terms of Endearment.” Cuteness always beats alcoholism, kids. Unless you're Carrie Fisher.
3. Howard the Duck vs. Donald Duck
Howard the Duck lives to fight another day after this one, but I'm not talking about the one from the movie with Principal Ed Rooney. I'm talking the angry-as-shit 1970s comic version of Howard the Duck. Sure, Donald Duck has anger issues as well, but he comes across as just a wussy waterfowl when compared to Howard. Howard smoked! And swore! And held crazy orgies! Wait, maybe I just made that last part up. Either way, Howard is much more of a scrapper. Oddly enough though, neither of them wear pants. Luckily, I prefer my “angry ducks battle to the death” contests sans pants. High-five!
2. Captain Marvel vs. Captain Jack Sparrow
Come on, this one easily goes to Captain Jack Sparrow. He's a swashbuckler, for crying out loud! And besides, just look at the other guy. He has a star on his chest. He's wearing gold bracelets. And he should build a time machine, travel back to 1982, and give his hairdo back to William Katt. Much like the Canadian Army, when it comes to battles to the death, Captain Marvel just can't be taken seriously.
1. Stan Lee vs. Walt Disney
I really wanted to give this one to Walt, but any guy who has lived long enough to attend the first Thanksgiving, babysit Abraham Lincoln, and still be responsible for some of the most popular comic book characters ever created is obviously invincible. Walt Disney may be frozen in a cryogenic chamber somewhere, but Stan Lee's heart never beats. Literally. Seriously, if you ever run into him at a convention just ask if he'll let you listen to his heart beat. He won't. You know why? Because a cyborg engine was implanted there long ago… by King Tutankhamun… back when they were college roommates.
And finally, just for fun:
0. Joe Montana vs. Hannah Montana
Joe Montana. Just because I want to see Hannah Montana lose terribly in a… wait for it… BATTLE TO THE DEATH!