Photo by Bonnie Schiffman/HBOI love David Cross. He's bald and wears big Coke-bottle glasses and is real funny-looking! He starred in the best show ever, Mr. Show, in which he was the funny-looking one and the other guy was totally hot! I forgot to ask him in our interview (by cell phone while he was on tour) what it was like to have a partner who's totally hot—if it's a bummer or you want to kill the guy because you totally know all the girls go, “Oh, hi, David! So can you introduce me to Bob?” Or, like, if he asks them to a party, they'd go, “Oh, I'd love to! So is Bob going to be there?” Sorry. He's in lots and lots of movies that you don't think you want to see, like Small Soldiers, but you see it 'cause your kid is whining and carrying on, and then there's David Cross as the sweet, nave scientist who just wants to make educational toys about the joy of learning, and you go, “Ohhhhh. Okay. I can watch it now.” He was also on Just Shoot Me as Elliot's not-retarded brother who has everybody but Maya totally fooled! He was funny in that, too. But I've never seen his act. It's probably really good. One time, about four years ago, I was at the Hollywood Hills Coffee Shop to interview some comedian or other, and a whole bunch of the cool comedians (the kinds who had roles on Larry Sanders and stuff) were sitting around, and David Cross was there, but nobody introduced us and then he left a few minutes later, so he probably doesn't remember.
OC Weekly: I love you.David Cross: I love you, too. I've never seen your act.
Oh, it's great! I use a lot of props. I kind of do a “Hands Across America” thing—remember Hands Across America?—but if it was sung by the cast of Seinfeld. It's my big closer. We have fireworks and jugglers, and the world's youngest Geography Bee winner comes out. People under 21 have to leave the room. Also, if you're epileptic or prone to seizures, you have to leave the room, too. It's a hell of a closer.
You're working a ridiculous amount.
I was sedentary for a year before I went out on tour with Ultrababyfat. Right now we're driving from Madison, Wisconsin, to Minneapolis. It's a beautiful drive. There's lots of cheese.
Did you say there's lots of sheep?
No, cheese.
Sheep?
Cheese. C-H-E-E-S-E.
Oh, cheese! I love cheese!
Then this is the place for you to be! Do you like curds?
What?
Do you like cheese curds?
I don't know. Do I?
Yes. You do. I have a bag of them next to me.
So do you have a big house in the Hills with hookers around the pool and stuff?
No, I live in New York City.
Oh, where?
In the East Village.
Oh, I used to live at 7th and A!
I live on 7th between C and D!
People live there?
Sure!
Are there dead people on D?
Sure. They're housed, though. In buildings. Merge to right. Okay. I've merged. I'm back.
Do you have a totally beautiful girlfriend?
Oh, yeah! She's fuckin' superhot! She's a bartender at a couple of bars.
Bartenders are the hottest!
I know! They have access to beers. And she gives me a quarter discount. That adds up big-time!
Has anyone you've worked with been a total nightmare?
Jim Belushi, who I didn't act with, was a total asshole-prick. At our website, Bobanddavid.com, I wrote a Cigar Corner column about it. Everybody else is really okay. I mean, if people are pricks, I just don't hang out with them really, but nobody was really bad except for Jim Belushi.
What was the best movie you did?
It didn't get released! It was called Chain of Fools, and we spent three months in Vancouver, and it was a great time! Jeff Goldblum was in it.
I've heard nasty sex rumors about Jeff Goldblum.
Nothing I can corroborate personally. But he does like to fuck!
Do you think the world is ending?
Slowly. I think it's a dying planet.
No, but I mean, we're all going shopping, and then there's gonna be a nuclear war.
No, I don't think it'll be nuclear.
What's the one thing you would do, if you were the guy who could do the thing, that would make people better?
In terms of America, I'd get rid of Fox TV and anything like Fox TV and start over. And it would be mandatory that people would have to read three different papers with three different viewpoints.
Once a week or every day?
Every day. They'd have to do it for an hour. And it'd be the only way they could vote.
That's so good!
I do what I can.
David Cross performs with Ultrababyfat at the Galaxy Concert Theatre, 3503 S. Harbor Blvd., Santa Ana, (714) 957-0600; www.galaxytheatre.com. Thurs., June 6, 8 p.m. $15.
