How to Stop Homosexual Sex Now

Two weeks ago, supporters of Proposition 22, a.k.a. the Knight Initiative, were upbeat. Their measure, which would ban gay marriages in California, had been trailing in statewide polling in the double digits. But as phone banks were set up and lawn signs planted, Prop. 22 began to gain, offering its backers new hope.

So it had to come as something of a political thunderclap last week when Sam Guy announced that he was not only withdrawing his support from Prop. 22 but would also actively campaign against it.

Guy is one of Orange County's leading conservative thinkers—he is director of the Irvine-based Center for Excellence in Traditional Educational Values Coalition and author of the soon-to-be-published Don't Sweat the Small Stuff . . . That's Just What the Catholics and Jews Want. Many of Prop. 22's advocates—who identify with the Christian Right and see Guy as a leading local light—expressed disbelief. They also speculated about Guy's motives—including the possibility that Guy didn't believe the measure went far enough, a perspective circulated by supporters of the “Get-Straight or Cas-Strate Initiative.”

Guy, who has not spoken to the media since making his announcement, agreed to discuss it with the OC Weekly. We met earlier this week in the family room of his large four-bedroom Mission Viejo home, surrounded by framed vacation photos and numerous children's sports and cheerleading trophies.

OC Weekly: Your announcement last week was surprising to say the least. I think most people assumed you'd be one of those leading the Prop. 22 charge. Sam Guy: Apparently so. I've heard from more than a few colleagues who said they were disappointed. Some went so far as to use the word “betrayed.” So it has cost you friends? Well, I think it's too early to say. I hope not. But I must admit I have been “uninvited” to Robert Schuller's Oscar party, which was disappointing since this was the year we were all going to dress up like our favorite Gabor sister. But I'm confident that this will blow over soon. I think, eventually, people will understand that I'm on their side. Our goal is the same. The elimination of homosexuals.No, no, no. The elimination of homosexual sex. My objective has always been to stop homosexual sex, which, as anyone who reads the Bible knows, is sinful. Oh, so you're following C.S. Lewis.[. . . . .] C.S. Lewis. The orthodox Christian thinker and writer who said homosexuality is a human condition but that one shouldn't act on it sexually?Yeah, whatever. Look, I know the people who wrote and support the Knight Initiative. They're good people. Good, restrictive people. We just disagree on the method. In this case, I think they've put the homosexual cart before the homosexual horse. How so?Well, if your objective is to stop homosexuals from having sex, the last thing you want to do is stop them from getting married. If Prop. 22 passes, it will provide just another excuse for every smooth-talking Air Canada steward to avoid making a commitment. “Sorry, babe, marriage is against the law. But I'll call you.” Well, thank you so much for your valuable time, God's gift to 501s, but a two-day-old beard does not Jeff Chandler make. What? I'm saying that the Knight Initiative will validate and vindicate homosexuals eager for a life of free love and one-night stands. Now, when you announced you would not support the Knight Initiative, you also said that you would announce an alternative proposal of your own. Are you ready to do that now? Yes. What I'm proposing is that homosexuals not only be allowed but required by state law to marry by the age of 30. What?If you're serious about ending sex, I know of only one time-tested method. Marriage? Make them commit to one person for life. See what happens to that little spring in their caboose after they listen to all the petty whinings, all the petty victories night after night after night after night. “Oh, you should see the table lamp I got on sale at Target.” “Oh, yes, please, absolutely, let me bask in the glow of this triumph of the human spirit! Just let me first plunge these L'il Abner corn holders into my eyes.” Let 'em get into fights about the color of the shower curtain or whose parents are less loathsome to spend the holidays with. [. . . . ]You want to end homosexual sex? Marriage will stamp out homosexual sex along with homosexual hope, homosexual happiness and homosexual will to live. You know, excuse me, but that seems a pretty dark view of marriage.You think? Well, yeah.Hmmm. I guess I never thought of it as dark. I've always viewed marriage as a kind of haven, a place free of worry, rich in, in . . . oh, what's the word? Comfort? Encouragement? Solace? Nourishment?Coma. Coma?Yes, marriage is like being in a 50-year coma, God willing. You know: you're alive but just barely, you know, just enough brain function to drive a car and buy table lamps. And you don't think that's dark?Hmmm. Can't say I do, sport. Can I ask what your wife, Mrs. Guy, thinks about all of this?Oh, she doesn't know about it. She doesn't know?Well, I don't talk to her, as such. I mean, I talk to her. She talks to me. We just don't talk, you know, in the strict meaning of the term. After you've been married as long as we have, you learn to communicate nonverbally: a nod here, a chucked head of lettuce there. These are the quiet code words of commitment. . . . Ohhh, I like that. Excuse me, let me just write that down. Anyway, you're saying that forcing gays to marry will end gay sex.Well, I think I'd be naive to believe that this would solve the problem. I mean, that would be crazy. Oh, right. Whew! I thought I was the only one here who thought it sounded a little . . . That's why, along with mandatory marriage, gay couples would also be required to adopt children. At least two. And young —no bleary-eyed career orphans going through the dresser looking for the keys to the liquor cabinet and bus fare to West Hollywood. No, the requirement would be 2 years old or younger. So you're up and down, up and down, morning, noon and night, up and down because you have to do everything for the baby because the baby can't do for itself because God forbid the blessed baby should want for anything it doesn't get right away, this instant, all the time because the baby is king! Well, I don't know. . . .And the only thing cuter than the baby is the baby when it finally talks because that makes everyone's life complete, especially when it says, “Why do I have to eat canned corn?” even though canned corn is perfectly fine and you ate it as a kid but suddenly it isn't good enough for the baby because your wife tells you the baby can only eat organic vegetables. . . . Uh, hello?! They're vegetables! Did I miss something in Earth science class? Hello? Vegetables come from the ground! You can't get any more organic than that, can you? Can you? Uh . . . I . . . given your family-values stand . . . Oh, absolutely, families are the backbone of this nation. The family is all that is precious, the base for all we hold dear and sacred and nice and would you like a club soda? Uh, no, thank you. Your children certainly have given you a lot to be proud of.Really? I mean the trophies. All of the trophies.Oh . . . yeah . . . I guess. You see that one right in front? The big red one with the cheerleader doing the splits over the teddy bear?It's mine. You were Miss Junior Pep 1978? Maybe . . . it's important to have a dream. Yes. We were talking about your plan. Have you given any thought to how you would implement it? Not as such, though I think local, regulated matchmakers would play a key role. I mean, the last thing we want is to mix up our springs with our winters. I think to ensure that the process is sped along, we'd require homosexuals to wear tags or badges that would announce their likes and dislikes—you know, to make the shopping experience a bit more consumer-friendly. Excuse me, but that sounds a little harsh, like something you'd find in a concentration camp.Oh, no. The badges could be very attractive—they like that, you know. Perhaps we'd shape the badges like coded animals according to tastes. You know, kind of a homosexual Grranimals thing: I match my stern “I'm into leather” cow to your doped-out “Garland is God” Pekingese. Fun. I think if everyone just plays by the rules and keeps their mouths shut, we can all just get along as long as no one thinks too much about it. I mean, isn't that what marriage is all about?

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