House Invader [Hey, You!]

Illustration by Bob Aul

You are the alligator lizard who came into my house! I adore all lizards, except your kind because your tail is basically a snake. You are 18 inches long—half of it tail. So gross. I tried to show you the door, but you disappeared under the couch. My friend said to get a cricket for you to chase. A cricket? Where am I going to get a cricket? Then I’ll have two unwanted creatures as housemates. Another friend said to leave a trail of lettuce toward the door, but I don’t have lettuce. I’m so afraid I’ll step on you, and you’ll squish and I’ll fall. Or you will slither over my foot. . . . It’s been five days now, and I haven’t seen you since I offered you a chance to exit. I continue to leave the door open, but at this point, I’m not sure whether it’s so you’ll leave or come back inside.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to le*****@oc******.com.

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