We don't generally have a theme for our annual celebration of Orange County's Scariest People—or if we do, the theme is that the people on the list are scary. But when, at a recent orgy, er, editorial meeting, someone mentioned the rash of icky sex crimes polluting the front pages of our local papers, and someone else mentioned that we could devote a whole Scary List just to sexy people—and when within seven minutes we had more than 30 candidates—we figured that was God's way of telling us that one sex issue per year just isn't enough. Hell, we had so many candidates that we couldn't even fit the sexy, sexy Sheriff Yum or his alleged Russian hookers.
Welcome to our worst Orange County's Scariest People ever—except for all the other ones. Most of the people on this list have committed or been charged with icky sex crimes. Some of the people on this list have NOT committed or been charged with icky sex crimes but are just sort of disgusting (Screech, Joe Francis, the Reverend Lou). Some on this list are frankly people we love but are too sexy for their shirts (Will Ferrell, Tawny Kitaen). And then there are Nikki Sixx and Kelly Gray. Frankly, we're not sure what we're implying about those two, so be sure to read between the lines and let us know.
One important note: while we usually include a “mitigating factor” for each of the chosen, we couldn't see our way to doing that with a list of baby rapers and the Reverend Lou Sheldon, although executive editor Matt Coker's suggestion, “Mitigating Factor: The 4-Year-Old's Screams Said 'No,' But Her Eyes Said 'Yes,'” has earned him a place in the Scariest People Hall of Fame all on its lonesome, if not a place burning in hell for all eternity.
Trading back rubs with the Reverend Lou.
Orange County's Scariest People Hall of Fame
And who could it be, in a sex-themed year, but our favorite gang-rapist/felon, Greg Haidl? Sure, he had a little help from his friends the night he videotaped his posse inserting Snapple bottles and pool cues and lit cigarettes into the vagina of a passed-out sixteen-year-old. But they're just your garden-variety gang rape schnooks. It was Haidl, son of a centimillionaire one time assistant sheriff, who directed the action for his no doubt artistic slice of cinema vrit. Oh, we could wish on him anal pain from a big bruiser cellmate, but we're actually better than that. We'll even hope that he doesn't catch a life-threatening disease from said big bruiser cellmate. We will note, however, that if something like that were to come to pass, it would doubtless make all the GOP legislators who voted against distributing condoms to inmates feel really, really bad. Or not. Whatever, they suck.
