Funky Iran Contra

Photo courtesy MSOTHURSDAY, JULY 28
So I put all that shit about “nude naked Lindsay Lohan” in the column a few weeks back, and yes, it wasthe No. 1 article on ocweekly.com because, as Jack White never said, “You gotta give the people what they want. Fart!” WhiteStripesat the GlassHouse.

ALSO: FreePeoplesfela the kuti at BambooTerrace; FloggingMollyundo everything Samuel Beckett did at the OCFair.

PLUS: More nude naked Lindsay Lohan at www.myspace.com/sixela: not safe for work!

FRIDAY
On a tightrope between Deadbolt(once seriously called “the world's scariest band not including Il Duce”) at the DollHutand LeAnnRimes(once seriously called “the world's scariest little blond girl singing country except Carrie Underwood”) at the OCFair, so go see Sendaeroat the GypsyLoungeinstead. Singer Carole is the Wanda Jackson of OC: beautiful voice, performs for drink tickets.

SATURDAY
RocktheBellsis the only radiator-bursting daylong desert fest worth breaking a car to go to: this year, swelter for Nas, Redman(profiled so poorly in this paper that we had to fire the writer, or wait, was that Method Man? Or Afroman? Or Aquaman?), Raekwonand Ghostface(rumored to be working on the next Madvillain record), and M.E.D.(formerly Medaphoar), who just put out a new record on Stones Throw and is coming, if not yet up. Plus more hip-hop that will never come to OC and thus never give OCWeeklywriters a chance to cover anything but aging longhairs with expensive guitars—at the NOSEventsCenterin San Breakdownadino.

ALSO: 2005's “Why Be Alive?” tour keeps aging longhairs with expensive guitars off the streets, with separate but no-less-disturbing appearances by radio cling-ons SuzanneVega(at the Grove, on the second floor), ChrisIsaak(at the OCFair), MollyHatchet(at the BlueCafe, in armor and furs), and, in the first of TWO appearances by people forced to debase themselves because Axl keeps the master tapes of ChineseDemocracychained around his belly like a roll of plastic explosive, StevenAdler(with Adler'sAppetite, misusing their illusion) at Diablo'sRockin'Cantina.

PLUS: Koo's avant-fashion explosion StyleWarsat QueSerathrows so many beautiful but naive art-school girls to the bad-tatted sharks; the Stitchesand the Crowdand the Orphansremember the times we had at Alex's; JBoogievisits AbstractWorkshopat Detroit.

SUNDAY
TedNugentjourneys to the center of losing his mind at the HOB—I always found Nuge kind of endearing; he's the David Lee Roth for people who like Smith N Wesson more than tits and ass. If reality television hadn't so rudely interposed itself in the natural career arc of the marginally famous and insane, he certainly would have become governor of Michigan at some point, arranging gracious (but still grudging) receptions for president Iggy at the kick-off of the 2012 Late Summer Olympics, established in 2008, when the world got so warm there wasn't enough winter to make luging physically viable. Also the Beatles should have never existed and everyone who voted Reagan should have voted James Brown: funky Iran Contra.

PLUS: The Scorpionssomething-something Berlin Wall at the OCFair; the VonBondiessomething-something not the face! at the Grove—also, let me break character here to say this band is embarrassingly bad and they owe the Rolling Blackouts a career; the Dead60ssomething-something the Bad '70s at ChainReaction.

ALSO: I don't even try anymore; can you tell?

MONDAY
311was . . . a band, kind of like Cake, like one guy who liked hip-hop and two guys who were really into Alice In Chains, and then one guy who said, “Hey, my uncle is dating a girl who does A&R,” and then for decades afterward, they all have Jacuzzis no matter what. At the Grove.

PLUS: Cute rock from SantiagoStepsat Detroit.

ALSO: Why isn't there a rapper named Aquaman?

TUESDAY
TeganandSaraare . . . a band, with cute Canadian girls, and although everyone loves them now, there is a band called Cub that was also a bunch of cute Canadian girls, and they're currently eating cold pizza out of a dumpster, so let's just keep things in perspective. At HOBwith East Bay punk-ish band Communique.

ALSO: Bro-a-billy Vanilla Ice HankIIIwins again at the Galaxy.

WEDNESDAY
Two weeks ago, they filmed another ill-fated Germs biopic up in LA, and 100 kids showed up wearing shirts from bands that started in 1998, and one guy got kicked out for making fun of the assistant director's cargo shorts. LA's officially best punk band, Mae Shi, got to play the Screamers, confusing hundreds of fans with record collections spanning the Germs to GBH. “It's been a fun experience,” says Mae Shi bassist Tim Byron, who estimates the wall of the sound stage will get more face time in the final cut than he will, just because it's union.

ALSO: Guns 'N Roses latecomer DizzyReedat the SwallowsInn—let me break character for a moment to congratulate the Swallows Inn on me noticing it exists—and ViolentFemmesand WaxApplesat the HOB.

THURSDAY, AUG. 4
It turns out Devoweren't joking and they were right about everything, and all those copies of FreedomofChoiceyou bought because you thought they were so cute and funny and nerdy? Mothersbaugh used the money to build a space ark, currently pointed at Planet 10 orbiting the star Caninus. I got a seat, but I had to get married to Sarah Lewittin; they told me something about “creating a perfectly neutral human race,” and I said, “Fine, just give me a window seat.” At the HOBfor several days, after which the world will end.

ALSO: Frausdotsdon't play Krautrock at Detroit.

PLUS: Method Man and Redman sign Aquaman to Recordman Records; Man Ray on board for cover art.

SeeCalendarlistingsforclublocations.Also:besmart;callahead.